pocket. This gave me a temporary horror of speculative establishments; and even the Grand National Light and Heat Company was instituted many months. before I determined to enrich myself by becoming a purchaser of several shares. I was, however, finally convinced by the eloquence and advertisements of Mr. Winsor, that such a glorious opportunity of aggrandizing my family might never again occur, and ap-. plied at the office, where, by the luckiest chance in the world, I was accommodated to the extent of my wishes; although every share, was reported to have been sold long before my application, Now, Mr. Satirist, that this latter institution will ultimately prove advantageous, both to the company and the nation, there can be little doubt. Only think! light and heat to be conveyed, like water, through every street in London; and they do say, that the liquid flame will be conducted, by means of sub-marine pipes, all the way from Pall Mall to the East and West Indies; supplying in its progress, various light-houses, sea-lanterns, &c. to be erected in divers parts of the Atlantic, Ethiopic, and Indian oceans, which must prove of infinite service to our shipping in dark nights, and will enable our fleets to detect the enemy's squadrons, should they attempt to steal out of port after sun-set. I am likewise assured that it will totally ruin the whole medical profession (another great national benefit), by superseding the necessity of physic, the GAS being a sovereign remedy for asthmas, consumptions, and almost every other complaint. The afflicted are therefore permitted to inhale the salubrious effluvia at a very moderate expense: the gas itself may also, in very desperate cases, by means of the company's patent pipes, be administered in forma clysteris. It is needless to specify the various minor uses to which it may be applied: such as drying hams without smoke, fumigating rooms, killing bugs (hum-bugs excepted), cepted), and annoying every species of vermin, which (if they have any noses) will inevitably quit suck houses as are warmed and illuminated by this most wonderful invention. I have, moreover, vested several thousand pounds in two original Irish-linen companies, and paid one instalment on fifteen shares in the newly-established institution for supplying the metropolis with genuine unadulterated milk. This has been rendered indispensably necessary, in consequence of His Grace of Queensberry's vivifying practice of bathing every morning in a lacteal bath; which, as the inhabitants of Piccadilly declare, gives the milk an unsavoury flavour, although it does not diminish the quantity of its cream. In all these speculations I have actually embarked, and am extremely anxious to become a member of several other great national institutions; but, alas! Mr. Satirist, my capital is all sunk; the dividends are not yet paid; and, notwithstanding my great possessions, I have not the command of a single guinea, else would I most certainly purchase (if money could purchase) a share in your admirable plan for supplying the world with genuine entertainment, and unadulterated criticism. I am, Sir, your profound admirer, ABEL HANDY. P. S. I am arranging a plan for a grand universal Cold and Shade Company, which will prove marvellously beneficial, not only in the tropical climates, but also during the heat of summer in our own, by preventing superabundant perspiration. My advertise, ments will shortly appear; for, having expended all my money as a subscriber, I am anxious to procure some as an inventor. A. H. THE TO HOUSE AND SIGN PAINTERS. [From the Morning Chronicle, August 20.] O tu Cycropide! vivas, et originis hujus GENTLEMEN, PERMIT me to inquire why you, who live by imitation, unite your efforts to decry it, and to represent originality as the criterion of excellence? or why the word original has of late been so twisted and tortured by your pencils, as to have assumed an unusual and extended signification? In a late excursion from town, I observed a sign with this remarkable inscription, "The King's original Head," where the word is evidently used as a collective term for virtue and beauty. Now, as I am no advocate for rash innovation, and am not inattentive to the progress of language, I am desirous of knowing upon what authority you have ventured on this use of the word: for, unless the authority be correct, I shall strenuously maintain, that a house and sign painter, however loyal, has no right to call His Majesty's head original. It has been sug gested to me, that the painter might wish to express either the antiquity or the priority of the head. If the former were his object, he should have remembered, that, by a figure of legal rhetoric, "The King can do no wrong;" and a little reflection would have convinced him, that "The King can do no wrong," and "The King cannot grow old," are identical legal propositions. Besides, I have good reason for doubting whether His Majesty be yet so careless of female charms, as to wish any part of him to be proclaimed old, whatever veneration we may attach to age, when so eminently accompanied by wisdom and virtue. If the painter be as honest and as loyal as all house and sign painters should be, he could hardly mean to con 03 294 HINTS TO CRIMINALS AT THE OLD BAILEY. vey the idea of priority; for I find by substitution that "The King's prior head," that is to say, "The head which the King once had," would be a very indecent inscription, because it might be suspected of glancing sarcastically at the head which now graces His Majesty, improved, as it is, by time, and enlightened by experience. I therefore most cordially acquit the artist of any such intention, and am obliged to revert to my first interpretation, wishing only to be informed, upon what authority he has used the word as a collective term for excellence. I am, Gentlemen, With the greatest respect for all House and Sign Painters, &c. L. N. B. If many establishments in this city have derived credit and support from the abundant use of the word original, with which you have decorated them, I should think that the words "The original Administration," well painted upon an appropriate tablet, and affixed upon the front of the Treasury, might serve to prop the falling credit of that concern. FRIENDLY HINTS TO CRIMINALS AT THE MR. EDITOR, IN [From the Oracle, August 27.] N the celebrated novel of "Tom Jones," Fielding remarks, with his accustomed humour, "That if every man were to be believed on his own testimony, we should not be shocked with the frequency of executions;" but as I fear this implicit credulity will not obtain the sanction of the Sages of the Law, I shall endeavour, as the sessions approach, to attain the same desirable end, by addressing a few memoranda to such ladies and gentlemen, whose virtue is about to undergo the superfluous ceremony of a trial. You t You must take especial care to plead "Not guilty," in order to acquire some physical chances in your favour; for among the extraordinary occurrences of this world, it is not impossible that there should be a flaw in the indictment; the principal evidence against you die suddenly before examination; all the judges and senior counsel sympathetically expire at the same moment of an apoplexy; or the jury be carried off by a surfeit. Besides, there is an after-chance of softening the adamantine breast of the turnkey; of Newgate being destroyed by a new set of rioters; of mysteriously escaping like a late celebrated smuggler; or, lastly, as you may read, or get read to you, in the chaste and fashionable romance of the "Monk," a certain sable gentleman may whip you off as expeditiously and suddenly as he did the amorous Ambrosio. Should you have a friendly counsel from whom you may expect gratuitous service, be sure not to depend on him; for, in that profession, give the greatest stranger a guinea, and he will exert himself more than your brother would for twenty shillings. Remember also the sage observation of Gibbet, in the "Beaux Stratagem,' ""I must reserve a sufficient sum to get me off, in case of the worst." You must carefully avoid bringing on your trial late in the evening, so great is the danger of being in the hands of a jury when they are hungry; in that case business is always dispatched. To persons of your information, I need scarcely hint, that this subject is finely touched upon by our poets « The lank-jaw'd hungry judge will hang the guiltless, Rather than eat his mutton cold." Again “ And wretches hang, that jurymen may dine." If your indictment be for a rape, you would do well, en being arraigned, to challenge any man on the jury |