author, the want of pathos in an actor, which cafts a fullen gloom over our tragedies. Let us not blame modern writers. Shakspeare himself is no match for our coal fires, and probably owes that fame which he enjoys, to his having written in days when collieries were unknown. This will account for the decay or tafte for tragedy, which even the fuperior talents of a Siddons have not been able to keep alive; and this will likewife account for that lady and other London performers being fo fuccefsful in their country excurfions, the warmth of the season diminishing the confumption of coal, and confequently what my author calls the infpiration of fmoke.

Are there not alfo many other important inferences to be drawn from this fact? It is not at the theatre only, that it is neceffary fenfibility should be displayed and tears flow. May we not fufpect that the age of gallantry has funk before the glories of Newcastle, and that the affections are to be affailed by other means than the tearful eye? Into what a labyrinth of miftakes have we fallen by ignorance of this fact! The moft artful intrigues of the bed-room have been undermined by the contents of the cellar, and the flames of love have been extinguished by the culinary fuel; wives have lamented the infenfibility of hufbands, and hufbands of wives, without confidering that they were breathing the poifon of love, and without knowing how true it is, that "moft love-matches end in Smoke!"

This likewife may account for the gallantries of France, where coal-fires are unknown in private families. It may account for the decent morals of Birmingham, of Newcastle, and of Sunderland. It may also explain to us why most of thofe intrigues which are canvaffed in our winter courts of juftice are dated from watering-places in the fummer months. We may alfo derive fome infight into the various appearances and history of grief in the metropolis; why fo

many

many calamities are contemplated with a dry eye, anď fo many fweet girls (like her at the theatre) fall down breathless into the arms of a young gentleman for want of the proper vent, fo imprudently ftopped up by the operations of the poker and the bellows.

Notwithstanding the concern we must feel for the confequences of this difcovery, our fituation, fortunately, is not hopeless. It comes at a time when every scheme is on foot to diminish the confumption of coals, when one ingenious man has contrived a method of making fteam-engines fwallow their own fmoke, and another has invented a kitchen which will drefs a beef-fteak with a fheet of brown paper. It is only now wanted that we fhould give more ample encouragement to fuch plans, and Rumfordize our feelings in fuch a manner as to be able to vie with our wooden-fuelled neighbours in fenfibility. If the fair fex are fhy and eruel, let it not be attributed to hardness of heart let them fit lefs at home, and oftener take the fresh air. I am aware that this doctrine will not: be very acceptable to fome great men in the north, and that much will be faid of endangering the collieries as a nursery for feamen! This, however, may be obviated in other ways, and a certain noble Duke appears. to me to have difpofed of his concern in the very nick

of time.

It is a great matter, Mr. Editor, to trace the philofophy of the head or heart; and volumes have been written to fap the foundations of immorality: but, when a theory fo fimple as the prefent is formed, who would not adopt it? Much has been faid of phyfical and moral effects; but who can plead ignorance when he is told to refer all our national vices and failings to the kitchen grate? where our feelings may be calcined, and our fenfibility reduced to a cinder! September 4. I am, Sir, yours,

DUCKING CHAIRS.

MR. EDITOR,

[From the Oracle.]

IT was with fome confiderable degree of surprise that I read in your paper, a few days ago, of a lady having undergone the punishment of ducking for being a fcold, and this at the right ancient and worshipful town of Kingston upon Thames: moreover, that the lady underwent this operation in a chair or machine, kept in the town for that purpose. Laftly, it was obferved, that the moment the emerged from the filver ftream (a little dim or fo by the operation), fhe had almost incurred another penalty for repeating her offence. But this I do not wonder at; for if the had no caufe for fcolding before, the certainly now had fufficient; and happy would it be if no women scolded but juft after being ducked in the Thames.

Information like this was very alarming, however, to me. Your not mentioning the lady's name was a capital error. Do you not fee how uneafy it must have made the people in town, who have friends and acquaintances at Kingston? You might as well have told us that a dozen houses had been burnt and twenty lives loft, and omitted the perfons' names, and the place where. It does not (you'll excufe my freedom) become the editor of a public paper to trifle thus with the feelings of the public. However, as it, perhaps, was not intentional, I fhall proceed to inform you, that the moment I read the alarming news, I mounted my forrel, and, notwithstanding the approach of night, I reached Kingston in an hour and a half, and immediately began my inquiries of the ottler; he could give me no information, and when I called him blockhead, afked me if I thought he could remember fo many names?

I next pofted to the houfe of one acquaintance, and then of another; all dry and warm there, but all ignorant, or pretended to be fo, of the culprit's name. Stepping into the drawing-room of a third friend, I found it in much diforder, various articles of female drefs lying on the floor; and, O! difcovery of difcoveries! a gown and petticoat drying at the fire! My fufpicions were now confirmed; a thousand circumftances crowded on my memory; I always thought fhe talked a little too loud, and her husband has fometimes lugged me out of the room when he has been warm in an argument. But yet I was thocked, prodigiously shocked; fuch a refpectable family, fo fine a woman too, ducked, plunged into the river by beadles and conftables; fuch degrading abominable anabaptifm!

I was here difturbed in my indignation by the entry of the lady herself. I could not help afking how the did? Beauty in distress is always attractive.

"I am very tired, Mr. Oldstyle.”

"I don't doubt it, Ma'am.'

"It is too violent exercife for me."

"Yes, Ma'am, it is pretty violent indeed!" "I don't think I fhall ever attempt it again." "Nay, Ma'am, there was no great occafion for your attempting it now."

"What can we do?

Servants are fo carelefs." "Yes, Ma'am, and that makes one raife one's voice. a little in talking to them.'

"Bless me! I don't think I have a dry thread about me."

"What! not now ?"

"Not now! how could I?"

"What the deuce! you have not fat in your wet clothes all day?”

"Sat in my wet clothes! I don't understand you, Mr. Oldstyle,"

Na

Nay, Ma'am, I don't mean to be particular; but I think you might have fiafted when it was over."

"Over! I have been splashing in the water these

fix hours."

"Lord! Ma'am, I never heard of fuch a punishment."

"It is a punishment, indeed; I had rather pay any money than go through fuch another day."

"I care fay you would, Ma'am; but why did you not offer them money at once?"

"Offer them money! what do you mean by offering them money?"

Nay, Ma'am, if you come to that, what do you mean by going through fuch another day?"

66

Why, it was our GREAT WASH!!!"

Taking up my hat, I made my efcape as quickly as I could, left the fhould difcover that I had mistaken a washing-day for a good ducking.

I am, Sir, yours, &c.

OLIVER OLDSTYLE.

A

THE BEST OF WIVES: A TALE.

[From the Courier.]

MAN had once a vicious wife;
(A most uncommon thing in life :)
His days and nights were ípent in strife
Unceafing.

Her tongue went glibly all day long,
Sweet contradiction ftill her long,
And all the poor man did was wrong,
And ill done.

A truce without doors or within,
From fpeeches long as tradeimen spin,
Or reft from her eternal din,

He found not.

2

He