vately on Sabbath evenings for religious exercises; and after our meeting was ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself, and recollect that I could, though sometimes it was late in the night. Again on Monday mornings I used sometimes to recollect the same sermons. And I had sometimes considerable movings of affections in duties, and much pleasure therein.

"After Mr. Fiske's death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother, and was still very constant in religious duties. Thus I proceeded on a self-righteous foundation, and should still, had not the mere mercy of God prevented.

"Some time in the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God, on one Sabbath day morning, as I was walking out for some secret duties, to give me on a sudden, such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed, and was much distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me; I kept much alone, and sometimes grudged the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I saw I was. And thus I lived, from day to day, in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me, to obstruct my hopes of mercy; but I used however to pray and cry to God; and perform other duties with great earnest

ness.

"Some time in February, 1738-9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God for mercy, that he would open my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me, and to make my endeavors a means

to show me my helplessness in some measure. I constantly strove after whatever qualifications I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ. Sometimes I felt the power of an hard heart, and supposed it must be softened before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done; and hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at God's dealings with me: and thought, when others felt their hearts softened, God showed them mercy; but my distress remained still.

"Sometimes I grew remiss and sluggish, without any great convictions of sin, for a considerable time together: but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One night in particular, when' I was walking solitarily abroad, I had such a view of my sin, that I feared the ground would cleave asunder, and send my soul quick into hell. And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others, which I much feared; yet I scarce durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder if I should be out of hell in the morning. But though my distress was thus great, yet I dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning back to a state of security, and to my former insensibility of impending wrath; which made me exceedingly exact in my behavior, lest I should stifle the motions of God's Spirit.

"The many disappointments and distresses I met with, put me into a most horrible frame of contesting with the Almighty; with an inward vehemence, finding fault with his ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam's sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart

often wished for some other way of salvation than by Jesus Christ. I wished sometimes there was no God, or that there were some other God that could control him. These thoughts were frequently acted before I was aware; but when I considered this, it distressed me to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God's vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before to imagine my heart was not so bad as the Scriptures represented. Sometimes I used to take much pains to work it into an humble submissive disposition; but on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruptions of my heart, that it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of waters when they break down their dam.

"While I was in this distressed state of mind, the corruption of my heart was especially irritated with these things following.

"1. The strictness of the Divine law. For I found it was impossible for me (after my utmost pains) to answer the demands of it. I often made resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavors, fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I quar. relled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward ac tions, I could bear with it; but I found it con. demned me for the sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was extremely loath to give out, and own my own utter helplessness; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than

perish, I could do a little more still; especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavors; I hoped that I should strive more earnestly than ever: and this hope of future more favorable circumstances, and of doing something hereafter, kept me from utter despair of myself, and from seeing myself fallen in the hand of God, and dependant on nothing but boundless grace.

"2. Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation, and that God would not come down to lower terms; that he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere prayers and endeavors. That word (Mark xvi, 16,) "He that believeth not shall be damned," cut off all hope there; and I found faith was the gift of God; that I could not get it of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me, by any of my perform. ances. (Eph. ii, 1, 8.) This, I was ready to say, "Is a hard saying, who can bear it?" I could not bear that all I had done should stand for mere nothing, who had been very conscientious in duty, and had been exceedingly religious a great while, and had, as I thought, done much more than many others that had obtained mercy. I confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at that time seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I was all over defiled, and the principle corrupt from whence they flowed, so that I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And therefore I called what I did by the name of faithful endeavors; and could not

*The word condition is very alarming to the minds of some good people, but all that Mr. Brainerd meant by it, and many others who use it is, that there is no salvation without faith.

bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation to them.

"3. Another thing was, that I could not find out how to come to Christ; I read the calls of Christ, made to the weary and heavy-laden; but could find no way that he directed them to come in. I thought I would gladly come, if I knew how, though the path of duty directed to was never so difficult. Mr. Stoddard's Guide to Christ did not tell me any thing I could do, that would bring me to Christ, but left me, as it were, with a great gulf between me and Christ, without any direction to get through. For I was not yet experimentally taught, that there could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural man could, of his own strength, obtain that which is supernatural and which the highest angel cannot give.

"All this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever; and the convic tion of my lost estate was sometimes so clear, that it was as if it had been declared to me in so many words, "It is done; it is for ever impossible to deliver yourself." For about three or four days, my soul was thus distressed, especially at some turns, when, for a few moments, I seemed to myself lost and undone; but then would shrink back immediately from the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God as wholly helpless. I dared not see that important truth, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But when I had thrust away these views of myself at any time, I was distressed to have the same discoveries again; for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity. When I thought of putting it off to a more conve.