that God would for a moment give me the exercise of his iron fceptre, to break myfelf to pieces as a veffel to difhonour. A bitter and cruel zeal against myself, and all the finners who were with me, filled all my thoughts and all my defires. The devil, who well knew how to improve the opportunity, blew without ceafing, the fparks of fome corruptions, which I thought extinguished, or at the point of being fo, till at laft the fire began to appear without. This opened my eyes, and I felt it was time to implore fuccour. It is now eight days fince I endeavoured to pray, but almost without fuccefs: yesterday, however, as I fang one of your hymns, the Lord lifted up my head, and commanded me to face my enemies. By his grace I am already conqueror, and doubt not, that I fhall foon be more than conqueror. Although I deserve it not, nevertheless, hold up my hands till all these Amalakites be put to flight. I am, &c. 1. F. London, Sept. 14th, 1759. Rev. Mr. Charles Wesley. My dear Sir, I THANK you for your speedy anfwer, and nothing, but the affurance of your speedy arrival, is wanting to make my happinefs complete. Your laft lines drew tears from my eyes: I cannot wait till your death, to befeech you to give me that benediction of which you fpeak. I conjure you, in the name of Chrift, to give it me, when you read these lines, and to repeat it, as frequently as you think of a poor brother, who needs the prayers of every one, and who cannot part with yours. I accept, with pleasure, the obliging propofal you make me for the approaching winter; and I entreat you to confider it lefs as a propofal, than as an engagement into which you have entered, and of which I have a right to folicit a fulfilment. Permit me only to add to it one condition, which is, to make our read ing, &c. tend, as much as poffible, to that poverty of fpirit, which I fo greatly need. A few days ago, the Lord gave me two or three leffons on that fubject; but alas! how have I forgotten them! I faw, I felt, that I was entirely void of wisdom and virtue. I was afhamed of myself, and I could fay with a degree of feeling, which I cannot defcribe, Nil ago, nil habeo, fum nil; in pulvere ferpo.* 1 could then fay, what Gregory Lopez was enabled to fay at all times, "There is no man of whom I have not a better opinion, than of myself." I could have placed myfelf under the feet of the moft atrocious finner, and have acknowledged him for a faint, in comparifon of my felf. If ever I am humble and patient, if ever I enjoy folid peace of mind, it must be in this very fpirit; Ah! why do I not actually find thefe virtues? Because I am filled with felf-fufficiency, and am poffeffed by that felf-esteem, which blinds me, and hinders me from doing juftice to my own demerits. O pray that the Spirit of Jefus may remove the fe fcales from my eyes for ever, and compel me to retire into my own nothingness. To what a monftrous idea had you well nigh given birth! What! the labours of my miniftry under you deferve a falary! I, who have done nothing but difho nour God hitherto, and am not in a condition to do any thing elfe for the future! If, then, I am permitted to ftand in the courts of the Lord's houfe, is it not for me to make an acknowledgement rather than receive one. If I ever receive any thing of the Methodift Church, it fhall be only as an indigent mendicant receives an alms, without which he would perish. Such were fome of the thoughts which paffed through my mind, with regard to the propofal you made to me in London; and I doubt, whether my own vanity, or your goodness, will be able to efface the impreffions they have left. I have great need of your advice, relative to the letters which I receive one after another from my I do nothing, have nothing, am nothing: I crawl in the dust. relations, who unite in their invitations to me, to retärm to my own country; one fays, to fettle my affairs there, another, to preach there, a third, to affift him to die, &c. They prefs me to declare, whether I renounce my family, and the demands I have upon it; and my mother defires, that I will, at leaft, go and fee her; and commands me to do fo in the ftrongest terms. What anfwer fhall I make? If fhe thought, as you do, I fhould write to her, " Übi Chriftiani, ibi patria ;"* my mother, my brethren, my fifters, are thofe who do the will of my heavenly Father; but she is not in a ftate of mind to digelt fuch an anfwer: A mother, is a mother long. On the other hand, I have no inclination to yield to their defires, which appear to me merely natural; for I fhall lofe precious time, and incur expence: My prefence is not abfolutely neceffary to my concerns; and it is more probable that my relations will pervert me to vanity and intereft, than that I fhall convert them to genuine chriftianity. Laftly, I fhall have no opportunity to exereife my miniftry. Our Swifs minifters, who preach only once a week, will not look upon me with a more favourable eye than the minifters here ; and irregular preaching is impractible, and would only caufe me, either to be laid in prifon, or immediately banished from the country. How does your family do? Is the fmall-pox as far off as the French? And does your wife difquiet herfelf, while all the nation refumes courage? Salute her from me, and tell her that her brother, the captain, who is very well, trains his men as well as he can for her defence. May the Almighty be your defence day and night! What he protects is well protected. Permit me to thank you for the fentence from Kempis, with which you clofe your letter, by returning to you another" You run no rifk in confidering yourfelf as "the wickedeft of men; but you are in danger, if you "prefer yourself to any one." I ain, &c. I. F. Where there are Christians, there is my country. Tern, Oct. 24th, 1759. Rev. Mr. Charles Wesley. My dear Sir. FOR fome days paft, the hope of hearing from you has been balanced by the fear that you were not in a condition to write. This laft idea prevails fo much, that I take my pen to entreat you, to deliver me from the inquietude which I fuffer from your filence. If the gout prevents you from writing, employ the hand of a friend: if you are in the third heaven of contemplation and love, let brotherly love, for a moment, bring you down; if you wander in the defert of temptation, let fympathy unite you to a miferable man who feels himself undone. Since my laft, I have taken fome fteps towards the knowledge of myself. If you enquire, what I have learned? I anfwer, that I am naked of every thing, but pride and unbelief. Yesterday I was feized with the defire of making rhymes, and I verfified my thoughts on the prefent ftate of my foul in a hymn, the first part of which I now fend you. If the poetry does not deferve reading, the language will recall to mind your French. How does Mrs. Wesley and your little family do? The rumour here is, that the French are at Liverpool. I am glad they do not think of Bristol. Salute the trembling half of yourself from me, and tell her, how much I rejoice that your quarters have been in safety hitherto; and that my hope is, they will continue fo to the end of the war. May the care you take of your health have the fuccefs I wifh; and while I wait the event, may he, who enabled St. Paul to fay, When I am weak, then am I strong, fuftain you in all your infirmities, and fill your inward man with his mighty power! At the moment I was going to feal mine, I received your dear letter. You will fee by the hymn, in which I have attempted to paint my heart, that I have at prefent far other things to do, than to think of going on to perfection, even laying the foundation of the fpiritual houfe; much lefs. then, can I help forward thof who icek it. I am, &c. I. F. Tern, Sept. 29th, 1759. The Rev. Mr. Charles Wesley. My dear Sir, : YOUR filence began to make me uneafy, and your letter had well nigh made me draw my pen over one I had written to afk the cause of it. The Lord afflicts you that is enough to filence every complaint, and I will not open my mouth, except it be to pray the Lord, to enable you and yours to bring forth thofe fruits of righteoufnefs, which attend the trials of his children. Take care of yourself, for the fake of the Lord's little flock, and for me, who, with all the impatience of brotherly love, reckon every day till I can have the pleasure of embracing you. If I know any thing of true brotherly love, (of which I often doubt) it agrees perfectly well with the love of God, as the founds in the different parts in mufic agree with each other. Their union arifes from their juft difference; and they pleafe, fometimes, fo much the more, as they appear the most oppofed. The oppofition of fentiments between divine and brotherly love, together with the fubordination of the latter, forms that delightful combat in the foul of a believer, that being divided between two, of the apoftle,* which concludes with a facrifice of refignation, of which the natural man is not capable. Your expreffion, "Spread the moral fenfe all o'er," gives me an idea of that charity which I feek. Thel ove of Gregory Lopez appears to me too ftoical: I do not find in it that vehement de fire, thofe tears of love, that ardour of feeing and poffeffing each other in the bowels of Jefus Chrift, which I find fo frequently in the epiftles of St. Paul. If this fenfibility be a failing, Phil. 1. 23 |