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624 Humorous Letter from the L'Espion Chinois. British
Gentlemen, interrupted a par- omitted faying his breviary that day. ty-colnured brother, so much for the Gentlemen, said a little man in conduct of the ministry; that is in an uniform, raising his voice, I am every body's mouth; let us talk of only an ensign, reduced by want our military operations. How are to relinquish my employment, and our matters in Germany? They wait upon a clerk of the court of can't well be worse, answered a dis- aids ; but let his majesty make me banded officer, who, two months be- general of his German army, I fore, had turned footman. It is but would engage, and give security lately that I left that army, so can for the performance, to take Hatalk to the pui p"se of it Never was nover, and within six months to there such a set o! wretched blunder- lodge the great grandson of the roarers as our generals. qnis of Brandenburg in the castle of
Sblood, interrupted the archbishop Vincennes. of Paris, it is not their fault; it is all Here an old servant of marshal owing tothe court: why do they em- Belleisle took up the cudgels: Give ploy generals who know nothing of me leave, Mr. Ensign, to tell you, sieges and battles? church-benefices that is easier said than done ; the would suit them better; and give the king of Prussia is in his own counconimand of the armies to bishops, try; he has an army of two hunYour grace is in the right, added a dred thousand men, which he comfoofman of the prince of Conti; most mands in person, and that gives of the French officers should be put him a vast advantage over Up. I to fay n.af'', and let the monks and don't fay but that he may be reduprieftsgird on the sword; they would ced, but it must be by time and pamake hater generals take my word tience. Armies on armies must be for it, than those who at present com- sent thither, and fresh troops be conipandour armies. tinually replacing the former. • We
Damn your church-gentry, r?pli- never coukl do any thing in Germa
ed a domestic of the prince of Con- ny; and all the glory we have ac
de; they are as much at a loss in quired there has been by running
the field as others: did not our away: the only thing which gain
courr, t'other day, send an abbe to ed France reputation in the north,
command the-troops in Germany, was the ever famous retreat made by
and what wee his mighty feats? me in the last war.
Did not he get a severe drubbing. To this fanfaronade, a footman
with theloss of twelve or fifteen thou- of Mai—b—s made answer, Under
sand men ? and then he comes a- favour, marshal, thou art a doat
way to Versailles, to acquaint the ing old fellow ; I had been at the
king that his knowledge reached no helm, nothing stiouldst thou have
farther. Here a valet of the prince had to do with the conduct of the
of Clermont called out: Fair and war, unless setting you over the fo
foftly, gentlemen; 1 was myself in rages. That is all you are fit for;
that expedition; and well planned you imagine armies to be like trusses
it was ; so that we were confident of hay, which may be replaced by
of giving the enemy a smart drub- new forages. ■
bing : but, unluckily for France, the My lords, interrupted a politician
able de St. Germain des Prez had dressed in green, here's the cause of
all Mag. Humorous Letterfrom tbt L'Efpion Chinols. 625
all our misfortunes; not a single has laid
general have we of any capacity, down his plan, aud he.is determined
That is a plant which no v no long- to ruin Europe for the noble plea
cr grows in Fiance. One would sure of b^ing talked of when he is ia
think that the whale species of it his grave.
was lost; the great marshal Saxe That's going a great way, said, seems at his death to have shut the an author's cook, for a little shrimp door of military glory, and carried of a crown, whose majesty is un~ away the kev with him to the grave, der five feet two inches. GentleReally, gentleaien, said another men, continued he, I am, by prosespolitician, whose name I found to be sion, a,cook; if any power in EuSt. Jean, *ti<. quite amazing that there rope will give me a handsome reshould be no heads in the kingdom- ward, I'll engage to poi— you unBut a thought comes into my mind; derstand me; a word to the wife Since all the male commanders sent is enough. A German fricasee will one after another into Germany, do the business, or an English rahave miscarried, what say ye to try- gout will be still better; but, to ing female generals? Two or three make sure work of it, I would toss ladies, with large hoops, at the head him up a Spanish olio, of our armies, would strike the ene- Gentlemen, said a political courtly all of a heap. I have heard that r'er, who hitherto had not opened there are irregular thrush, by.which his mouth, you mind nothing but the best fencing-masters areosten de- Germany; the king of Prussia is ceived. The king of Prussia wo'uld, continually before you; yet it is not perhaps, be put to a stand, at the there that the saddle galls: were sight of a commander set esf-with we ever so successful in the north, patches and ribband?. At the very our affairs would not mend. Land worst, we could only lose battles battles are nothing to us; it is only drawn up by a f.in, as we lose those sea victories that will set us to rights: which are conducted by a truncheon: the main point for France is to humbesides, one hope woiud siill re- ble the p.-ide of rhe vapouring Brimain ; for, though the king of Pnis- tons. And how would you have sia be not a man of gallantry, h: «« cope wiih England without a would perhaps be alhamed to beat fleet, said the high admiral? a pretty woman, and rather resign That's for thee, Ber—r, said the the victory in her favour. Here a same politician, to a surly kind of coachman belonging to a bishop man, the blame lies at thy door; from Languedoc stopped him short, and after all, why do you let France You know a great deal of that prince be without, a navy f That's the way incited! But 1 tell you, were the , of all you schemers, answered tha
• herself 10 give him other hastily; you would have one battle, he would endeavour to trim build a flset of ships at once, a« you hsr; and it would not be his fault, raise an army os soldiers. Great if h= did not take her prisoner, with schemes are always attended with a view of getting a large ranrom great obstacles ; for instance, I had from *•«#«.* * ### laid down the finest plan for a navy
• » # *. This king # # # # that had ever been formed in France: ########*•*## it was for completely building and
626 Humorous Lttttr from the
equipping no less than forty ships of the line. I had made provision for the guns, small arms, carriages, bullets, balls, fails, rigging, pitch, tar, anchors, charts, and compasses; but on my giving orders for building the fleet, I found I had forgot the timber. I understand you, Ber—r, said the same orator to him; having been a long time in the police as commissioner for lighting the streets, you imagined that a ship might be built with as few materials as a Ianthorn.
Here they were interrupted by a footman, in a Pompadour colour; you are all a parcel of ignoramus's in politics, as blind as beetles; *tis only my mistress and I who have the key to the affairs of France—I know what I mean, and that's enough—I shall not declare myself any farther: we stiall soon see rare doings—Not only the times in which we live, but even the moll remote posterity, will remember the present ministry. What though France has met with some rubs in the former campaigns, and the battles in Germany don't go on our side; and though we have lost four hundred millions of money, and six hundred, thousand men, pray could we expend less in a war with which we had nothing to do?
But, gentlemen, said another, who had all this while been silent, what resolution will you come to? The opera is near ending, and our masters will be coming out ; before we rife something mult be determined concerning the kingdom, otherwise our meeting would be no more to the purpose than that of sovereigns, where much is talked of and nothing concluded.: what do you vote for, gentlemen?
I, said the footman of a purveyor-general, am for half a dozen
L'Espion Chinois. British
more campaigns, and as many battles, that we may quell the obstinacy of our enemies.
And how the devil will you go on with the war, replied a footman of the farmer-general, without the pence ) All the cash in the kingdom is in our coffers, and we are determined not to lend the government a sous, without having the crown jewels in pledge: for as to the king's revenues they are already dipped for several years ; so that it would be dangerous to draw our purse-strings. The ministry, indeed, has still a resource; they may saddle the people with more taxes, but that can't turn out to any great matter: the people have nothing left; we have drained them of ill their radical moisture; they areas dry as tinder.
Well, gentlemen, said the footman to the great almoner of France, let us e'en come to a peace. Two or three mta culpas will absolve us from all our past political sins.
Very well spoke, replied M. de B—s—'s footman ; and I'll go myself with my master to London, and open the negotiation. Did ever any one hear such a coxcomb, and thy master is no better, said a footman of the duke de Niv-r-n-s, you pretend to such an honour! That B-s-y of thine is loo heavy-arsed for such a lofty branch of politics: I'll venture to foretel that, if he is sent to that court, he'll come back with his singers in his mouth. My lord duke, and his secretary Moreau, are the only men to bring such a weighty affair to a happy issue. My master has brought the court of Rome to listen to reason, and so he will that of London ; king George i> no better catholic than the pope: and, if the duke found means to fling the doubtless, be a match for St. James's.
Mag. An original Letter from Mr. Pope to the Dutches os Hamilton. 627 Vatican, with all its policy, he will, es; only B-s-y's poor valet, not
Here a waiter brought word that the opera was done: this dissolved the congress; all paid their reckon'ings, lighted their flambeaux, and leaped up behind their masters coach
having wherewith to discharge his share, which came to five sous three deniers, remained in pawn till the definitive treaty between the two crowns, when the article of prisoners was to come on the carpet.
An ORIGINAL LETTER from Mr. Pope to the Dctchesj of Hamilton.
London, OCt. the—, between day and mgbt. the ^writer drunk.
~\jf RS. Whitworth (who, as her epitaph on Twitenham highway assures us, had attained to as much perfection and purity as any since the apostles) is now deposited, according to her own order, between a fig-tree aud a vine, there to be found out at the last resurrection.
I am just coming from seeing your grace in much the like situation, betwen a honey suckle and a rose-bush; where you are to continue as long as canvass can last. I suppose the painter, by these emblems, intended to intimate on the one hand, your grace's sweet disposition to your friends; and on the other, to shew you are near enough related to the thistle of Scotland, to deserve the same motto with regard to your enemies:
Nemo me imfune lacetjit *.
The two foregoing periods, roethinks, arc so mystical, learned, and perplexed, that if you have any statesmen or divines about you, they can't chuse but be pleased with them. One divine you cannot be without, as a good christian; and a statesman you have lately had ; for I hear my lord Selkirk has been with you. But (that I may not be unintelligi• Lord William will construe tbii
ble quite to the bottom of this page) I must tell your grace in English, that I have made a painter bestow the foresaid ornaments round about you (for upon you there needs none), and am, upon the whole, pleased with my picture beyond expression.
I may now say of your picture, it is the thing in the world the likett you, except yourself; as a cautious* person once said of an elephant; it was the biggest in the world except itself.
You see, madam, it is not impossible for you to be compared toan elephant: and you must give me leave to shew you one may carry on the simile.
Anelephantnever bends his knees; and I am told your grace fays no prayers. An elephant ha9 a moll remarkable command of his snout, and so has your grace, when youimitate my lady Orkney. An elephant is » great lover of men, and so is your grace tor all I know j. though from your partiality to myself, I should rather think you lovelittle children.
I beg you not to be discouraged in this point: remember the text which I'll preach upon the first day I am a parson, Suffer little children to come unto me.—And, despise not one os these little ones.
Latin, if you fend it tolslewonh.
No, 628 Account os an Experiment made 1
No, madam—despise great beasts, such as Gay; who now goes hv ihe dreadful name of, The beajl os B'oii, wheTe Mr. Pulteney and he are (titled, and where he shews nicks gratis, toallthebeaftsot hisowncoi.nl ry, (for strangers do not yet understand the voice of the beast.) I have heard from him but once, Lord Warwick twice, Mrs. LepeH thrice: if there be any has heard fiom him four times, I suppose it is you.
I beg Mr. Blnndell may know, Dr. Logg has received ordination, and enters on his functions this •inter at Mi s. Blount's. They have chosen this innocent man for their confessor; and I believe most Roman catholic ladies, that have any lins, will follow their example. This good priest will be of the order of Melchisedcck, a priest for ever, and serve a family from generation to generation. He'll Hand in a corner as quietly as a clock, and being wound up once a week, strike up a loud alarum on a sunday morning. Nr.y, if the christian religion mould be abolished (as indeed there is great reason to expect it,
render WoodItsi comlusihk. British
from the wisdom of the legislature), he might at worst make an excellent bonfire; which is all that (upon a change of religion) can be defired from an heretick. I do not hope your'grace fliould be converted; but however, 1 wish you would call at Mis. B—'i out of curiosity: to meet people one likes, is thought by some the best reason for going to church ; and 1 dare promise you'll like one another : they are extremely your servants, or else I should not think them my friends.
1 ought to keep up the custom, and ask you to send me something. Therefore pray, madam, send me yourself; that is, a letter ; and pray make haste to bring up yourself, that is all I value, to town.
I am, with the truest respect, the least ceremony, and the most zeal, • Madam, Your grace's,
Most obedient, faithful. And most humble servant, A Pom.
"Mr. Hamilton, I am yourV* There is a short letter for you.
Account os an Experiment made to render W O O D lest ctmbusiib't.
Tl Aving two glazed pipkins, 1 put A a quart of river water into each, and in one of them two ounces- of slum, and in the other one ounce of common sea salt, and the same quantity of white vitriol, all gross.lv powdered, stirring until the salts weie' dissolved; 1 then put into each pipkin a piece of dry English and foreign oak, mahogany, beech, and Norway deal, all being half an inch thick, and kept down in the liquid by two large flints, the reason for which is obvious. At the end of
thirteen days all were taken out, and dried in the shade a month; then putting a piece of wood, of each fort and size with the above- mentioned, (to which nothing had been done) upon a clear sea-coal fire, they were entirely consumed in six minutes, those impregnated with salt and vitriol in seven, and those wiih alum in eight minutes. Though the above experiment did not fully answer my expectations, yet it ii probable that the.mineral and vegetable kingdoms do produce substin