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READY-MADE SPEECH.

SIR,-Unused, unacquainted, unhabituated, unaccustomed to public speaking, I rise, sir, in consequence of having caught your eye, sir, to express, with the utmost diffidence, my humble ideas on the important matter before the house.

I will, therefore, sir, be bold to affirm, and I am also free to declare, that I by no means meet the ideas of the nubble Lud. I will not, however, go over the same grounds, or commit myself, by taking up a principle without the most perfect consideration. But as I am now upon my legs, I certainly shall not blink the question; nor am at all inclined to meet him half way, because on the first blush of the business, I was determined to scout the idea in toto; for if, sir, the wellbeing of civilized society, and the establishment of order and tranquility, is the grand object of our investigation, I cannot hesitate to pronounce-Sir! I cannot hesitate to pronounce, that I want words to express my indignation at the general tenour of the arguments so ably agitated by the honourable member on my left hand.

But, sir, the idea does not attach: and when my learned friend professes to lay down his principles with so much method, he only proved his weakness by undertaking to cleanse the Augean stable, and to perform the labours of Hercules himself. No, sir, I am again free to assert, and, sir, I am by no means disinclined to prove, that if gentlemen, under existing circumstances, do not act with vigour and unanimity against French principles, our glorious constitution, produced by the wisdom of our ancestors, may fall to the ground, sir! yes, fall to the ground by the influence of a Jacobin innovation. But on this head, we are ripe to deliberate; and I trust the gentlemen with whom I have the honour to act, and who constitute the decided majority of this honourable house-for whose worth, integrity, firmness, perspicuity, ingenuity, perseverance, and patriotism I have the most dignified respect, and in whom I also place the most perfect confidence-I say,

sir, I trust they will preserve the privileges of this assembly from the lawless banditti of acquitted felons, who, not having been killed off, insult us daily by their negative successes, and circulate their seditious principles, to the danger of every respectable man in the community, who may, by possessing property, become an object of their diabolical depredations. Not, however, to trespass any longer on the patience of the house, I shall conclude by observing, with the great Latin poet of antiquity

"Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quærere ;
"Carpe diem."

AN EPILOGUE.

(Written by DAVID GARRICK, Esq.)

The Grecian Daughter's compliments to all;
Begs that for epilogue you will not call:
For leering, giggling, would be out of season,
And hopes by me you'll hear a little reason.
A father raised from death! a nation saved!
A tyrant's crimes by female spirit braved!
That tyrant stabb'd, and by her nerveless arm,
While Virtue's spell surrounding guards could charm!
Can she, this sacred tumult in her breast,
Turn father, freedom, virtue, all to jest?

Wake you, ye fair ones, from your sweet repose, As wanton zephyrs wake the sleeping rose? Dispel those clouds which o'er your eye-lids crept, Which our wise bard mistook, and swore you wept? Shall she to macaronies life restore,

Who yawn'd, half dead, and cursed the tragic bore? Dismiss 'em smirking to their nightly haunt,

Where dice and cards their moon-struck minds enchant !

Some, muffled like the witches in Macbeth,
Brood o'er the magic circle, pale as death!
Others the caldron go about-about !
And ruin enters, as the fates run out.
Bubble, bubble,
Toil and trouble,
Passions burn,

And bets are double!

Double, double !

Toil and trouble,

Passions burn,

And all is bubble.

But, jest apart, for scandal forms these tales; Falsehood, be mute; let justice hold the scales. Britons were ne'er enslaved by evil powers;

To peace and wedded love they give the midnight hours. From slumbers pure no rattling dice can wake 'em ; Who make the laws, were never-known to break 'em.

"Tis false, ye fair, whatever spleen may say, That you down folly's tide are borne away. You never wish at deep distress to sneer;

For eyes, though bright, are brighter through a tear.

Should it e'er be this nation's wretched fate, To laugh at all that's good, and wise, and great; Let Genius rouse the friends of humankind

To break those spells which charm yet sink the mind;
Let Comedy, with pointed ridicule,

Pierce to the quick each knave and vicious fool:
Let Tragedy, a warning to the times,

Lift high her dagger at exalted crimes;

Drive from the heart each base, unmanly passion,
Till Virtue triumph in despite of fashion.

TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS.

LOYAL, PATRIOTIC, &c.

The Queen:-may she outlive her Ministers, and may they live long.

May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather.

May British virtue shine when every other light is out.
A cobweb pair of breeches, a porcupine saddle, a hard
trotting horse, and a long journey, to the enemies of
Britain.

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May increasing success crown our island traders,

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And its shores prove the grave of all foreign invaders. May Great Britain, like a tennis ball, rebound the higher the harder she is struck.

All nobles and all noble hearts.

Champagne to our real friends; and real pain to our sham friends.

May our laws guard our liberties, and our liberties our laws. May might never overcome right.

May we always be happy in our native land.

May our country's gratitude recline over the tomb of the brave.

England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales.

May peace, plenty, and happiness reign in their vales.

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May we never be in debt or danger.

May every dishonest priest be speedily exposed.

May the oak never rot which comes from the spot
Where the deeds of its sons can ne'er be forgot.
The great palladium of British liberty-The Press.

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Short shoes and long corns to the enemies of our country. May the sword of justice be swayed by the hand of Liberty. The Queen-and may we never want a portrait of her. May real merit meet reward, and its counterfeit punish

ment.

May good government strengthen the bond that unites the Rose, the Shamrock, and the Thistle.

A long cord and a strong eerd to those who make discord.

TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS.

MISCELLANEOUS.

May every honest man TURN OUT a rogue.

May those who mean well fare well.

May Poverty ever be a day's march behind us.

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A little health, a little wealth, a little house and freedom;
At the end, a little friend, and little cause to need 'em.
May the lovers of harmony never be in want of a NOTE.
May he who does not think one wife a dose live to be
physicked.

Friendship in marble, and animosity in dust.

Ability to serve a friend, and honour to conceal it.

May every day bring more happiness than the preceding. All Fortune's daughters except the eldest-Miss Fortune The Ladies, God bless 'em!

And may nothing distress 'em!

All the belles, but the noisy belle,

And may her clapper be silenced well.

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Envy in an air pump, without a passage to breathe through. Frugality without manners.

Heaven's best gift-A FRIEND.

In the comedy of life may errors be excepted.

Love to one, friendship to a few, and good-will to all.

More friends and less need of them.

May the difference of creeds ever be left at the house of

prayer.

Old wine and young women.

Sense to win a heart, and merit to keep it.

May love give us pleasure; and may poverty never give us pain.

May we always be able to protect those we love.

The three M's-Music, Mirth, and Moderation.

Women-and may we love them ever dearly.

May the enemies of mirth be lathered with a birch broom and shaved with a saw.

May the dishonest tailor be smothered in cabbage.

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