possets-attacks the fire instead of courting it,falls into a dead sleep the moment before you want her, and then snores you down when you call to her-wakes you at the wrong hour, to take your physic, and then gives you a dose of aqua fortis for a composing draught! &c. &c. &c.

125. (T.) The flame (but not the smell) of your candle going out, as you lie sick and sleepless; leaving you, at once, «« Pertæsum thalami, tædæque.”


126. (S.) Suddenly recollecting, as you lie at a very late hour of a Lapland night, that you have neglected to sce, as usual, that the fires are all safe, below ;then, after an agonizing interval of hesitation, crawling out, like a culprit, and quivering down stairs.

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Tes. You have robbed me, Sensitive ;-all this happened to me last night, as I was just thinking to tell you :-0 it was a snug job, to be sure !-as to myself, I had no scruple in determining that it would have been a world pleasanter, in such a night as that, to be



roasted, than frozen, to death; but as Madam, there, seemed to think she had a sort of joint interest in the question, and was not altogether satisfied with my way of deciding it,why, I e'en gave myself up to my fate. .

Sen. I am sorry to have unintentionally foreclosed one of your best evils ;—but there seems to be one more at the end of your list, which, to judge from its length, must be at least as rich in wretchedness as any.

Tes. Pretty well for that, I confess ; its like a Lady's Postscript, which, they tell you, contains the essence of the letter ;--pray listen:

127. (T.) Sleeping, on a sudden and desperate emergency, at a low lodging-house, et ses agremens ; ----your head broken, at the onset, by the beam of chamber-door, for ducking only a foot deep, in passing under it. Then for the interior---floor all hill and dale---no fire-place---one crazy chair; however, plenty of huge family chests, quite handy! all about your bed---a litter of sleepless brats in the hooping-cough hard by, with only a half-inch pannel between their throats and your ears ---Landlord playing a running base under their trebles, by snoring, like Polypheme, through the




opposite boards---a quarter of an inch of farthingcandle, without snuffers or extinguisher---no nightcap; or a stretching cotton one, that takes in your shoulders---pillow left out---sheets of the sail-kind, newly sprinkled for the gentleman---knotty mattrass ---scanty (if any) curtains---cat left under your bed, and kittening over you in the night, &c.---Then for dressing comforts ;---no soap---only rain-water, and that a spoonful in a wine-bottle, all black at the bottom-a dram-glass for a tumbler, if, indeed, you are lucky enough to get that—but one towel, or rather duster, about six inches wide, counting in the holes ---house-maid's comb, and triangular scrap of looking-glass, exhibiting sundry curious stripes of day-light, left you as a memorial of the quick-silver almost all dead and gone! its two or three surviving patches barely allowing you to play at bo-peep with a few fractions of your features by turns, &c. &c. &c. On rising in the morning, (no one coming to open your windows) you break

nails in baffled attempts to find out, in the dark, the cramp principle upon which the shutters are fastened ;---no bell---or one attached to a flagging, fluttering wire, that answers only by rustily, and peevishly, jarring and buzzing along the mildewed walls, and mazy passages: after ten tugs, however, at the broken end of this iron thread, twisted round your bare wrist, (no handle !) you, at length, extort from the reclining clapper one dead ting, which brings up, in the sequel, a gawky malkin, who snuffles to you through the door, and then mistakes all your orders :---all this while, you are shivering in your shirt, barefoot; your boots having been clawed away, (but not cleaned) and no slippers left in their room!


There!—I hope my performance answers to my promises.-And now I'll give you a concluding Groan, compared with which all the rest are like the sighs of a sleeping baby : and what is more, it shall be uttered in a single word :

128. (T.)


Sen. There came a thunder-bolt, indeed! ---that word is, in itself, a volume-it is the very prince of sweeping clauses. Swift, indeed, has effectually forestalled us in this region of plagues, and often makes me wish that he had been as merciful as he is stout; for it costs me a severe fit of the bile, whenever I open that cruelly elaborate catalogue



of abominations, entitled “ Directions to Servants :" more docile Disciples never rewarded the assiduity of a Teacher !-And yet it does not very well become me to complain of him on this occasion ;-for, when I have been applied to for a character, as it is termed, by one of these domestic Scourges, I have more than once referred the enquirer to the proper chapter of the Dean's directions, assuring the Lady, or Gentleman, that they were, in every instance, most punctually attended to by the present applicant, while he continued in my employment.

Tes. No bad method, I confess-- though not quite so short as mine.

Sen. What may that be, my good Mr Testy?

Tes. Kicking the rascal headlong down stairs on the spot, the moment he asks me for a character.

Sen. Compendious, certainly-and, as it should seem, not unlikely to disembarrass you, in a considerable degree, from future applications of that nature.

Tes. Yes, yes—it answers there, too :but enough of the “caterpillars,” which tor

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