MEN. S. There is need. (Rather qpologetic) I know what you'll call me. MES. So much the worse of you. MEN. S. The booty's mine! Such sicgeworks as I've begun! Be off as fast As you can; take those fellows (pointing to sailors) to an inn at once. Then see you come to meet me before sunset. MES. You don't know those harlots, master.

MEN S. Hold your tongue, I tell you. It will hurt me, not you, if I play the fool. This woman is a fool, and a silly one; from what I've just observed, there's booty for us here. (Exit into the house.)

Oh

MES. (as if to call him back). Lord! You're gone already? Lord help him! The pirate bark is towing our yacht to perdition. But I'm a silly one to expect to manage my master; he bought me to obey his orders, not to be his commander-in-chief. (To the sailors) Follow me, so that I can come to meet him in season as he commanded.

ACT III

(Exeunt.)

(Several hours have elapsed)

Enter PENICULUS

PEN. (in high dudgeon). More than thirty years I've lived, and never in all that time have I done a worse or more accursed deed than to-day when I immersed myself, poor fool, in the middle of that public meeting. While I was gaping there, Menæchmus gave me the slip, and made off to his mistress, I suppose, without caring to take me along. May all the powers above consume the fellow that first devised the holding of public meetings, to busy busy men! Shouldn't they choose men with nothing to do for that sort of thing, and fine 'em forthwith if they fail to appear at the roll call? There's a plenty of men that get edibles to eat only once a day, men

with no business on hand, men that are neither invited out nor invite anyone in to eat: they're the ones that ought to devote themselves to public meetings and assemblies. If this had been the rule, I shouldn't have lost my lunch to-day-for sure as I'm alive I believe he was willing to give me one. I'll join him; even now I have my sweet hopes of the leavings. (Goes toward EROTIUM's house as MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES comes into the doorway, wreathed and carrying the mantle) But what do I see? Menæchmus coming out with a garland on! (Grimly) The banquet's cleared away, and, by gad, I've come just in time to see him home! (Withdrawing) I'll observe what the fellow's up to. Then I'll up and have a word with him.

SCENE 2

MEN. S. (to EROTIUM within). Can't you rest easy? I'll bring this back to you to-day in good season, all put in trim nicely and prettily. (Chuckling to himself) You'll say you haven't got this one, I warrant,-it will look so unfamiliar.

PEN. (aside, angrily). He's carrying the mantle to the embroiderer's, now the lunch is finished and the wine drunk, while the parasite's been shut out of doors! By heaven, I'm not the man I am if I don't avenge this injury and myself in beautiful style! You watch what I'll give you!

MEN. S. (leaving the doorway, jubilant). Ye immortal gods! Did ye ever in a single day bestow more blessings on any man who hoped for less? I've lunched, drunk, enjoyed the wench, and made off with this mantle whose owner will never see it more.

PEN. (aside). I can't quite catch what he's talking about from this hiding-place; is it about me and the part I played, now that he's stuffed himself?

MEN. S. She said I gave this to her,

yes, and stole it from my wife! Seeing she was making a mistake, I at once began to agree with her, as if I had had dealings with her; whatever she said, I'd say the same. In short, I never had a good time anywhere at less expense. PEN. (aside, his anger rising). I'll up to the fellow! Oh, I'm aching for a row! (Steps forward.)

MEN. S. (aside). Who's this advancing on me?

PEN. See here, you rascal lighter than a feather, you base, villainous scoundrel, you outrage of a man, you tricky goodfor-nothing! What have I ever done to you that you should spoil my life? How you sneaked off from me at the forum a while ago! You've interred the luncheon, and I not there! How did you dare do it, when I was as much its heir as you?

MEN. S. (with dignity). Sir, what have you to do with me, pray, that I, a perfect stranger, should meet with your abuse? (Dangerously) Or do you want to be given a bad time in return for this bad language?

PEN. (groaning). Oh Lord! You've given me that already, I perceive, good Lord, yes!

MEN. S. Pray answer me, sir, what is your name?

PEN. What? Making fun of me, as if you didn't know my name?

MEN. S. Good Lord, man, I have never seen you or known you before this day, so far as I know; but-whoever you are, this much is sure-if you want to do the decent thing, don't annoy me.

PEN. Wake up, Menæchmus! MEN. S. Gad! why, I am awake, so far as I know.

PEN. You don't know me?

MEN. S. I should not deny it, if I did know you.

PEN. Not know you own parasite? MEN. S. Sir, your headpiece is out of order, I perceive.

PEN. Answer me didn't you steal

that mantle from your wife to-day and give it to Erotium?

MEN. S. Lord, Lord! I neither have a wife, nor gave the mantle to Erotium, nor stole it.

PEN. Really, are you sane? (Aside, in despair) My business is done for! (Aloud) Didn't I see you come outdoors wearing the mantle?

MEN. S. Curse you! Do you think all of us follow the women, just because you do? You declare that I was wearing the mantle?

PEN. Gad, yes, of course.

MEN. S. Go to where you belong, will you! Or else get yourself purified, you utter idiot!

PEN. (incensed). By the Lord, no one shall ever induce me not to tell your wife everything, just as it happened! All this abuse of yours shall fall back on yourself; you shall suffer for devouring that lunch, I promise you.

Exit PENICULUS into house of
MENÆCHMUS

MEN. S. (bewildered).

What does this mean? So everyone I set eyes on tries to make a fool of me, eh? (Listening) But the door creaked!

SCENE 3

Enter MAID from EROTIUM's house

MAID. Menæchmus, Erotium says she would very much like you to take this bracelet (showing it) to the jeweller's at the same time and add an ounce of gold to it and have it made over new.

MEN. S. (taking it with alacrity). Tell her I'll take care of that and whatever else she wants taken care of-anything she likes.

MAID. Do you know what bracelet this is?

MEN. S. No, only that it's gold. MAID. It's the one you said you stole long ago on the sly from your wife's chest. MEN. S. Good Lord, I never did!

was all I gave her.

MAID. Shall I say you'll take care of it?

MEN. S. (hiding a smile). Do. It shall be taken care of. I'll see she gets the bracelet back at the same time she gets the mantle.

MAID (coaxingly). Menæchmus dear, do have some earrings made for methere's a nice man!-the pendant kind, with four shillings' worth of gold in them, so that I'll be glad to see you when you visit us.

MEN. S. (heartily). Surely. Give me the gold; I'll pay for the making, myself. MAID. You furnish the gold, please do; I'll pay you back later.

MEN. S. No, no, you give me the gold; I'll pay you back later, twice over.

MAID. I haven't it.

MEN. S. Well, you give it to me when you do have it.

MAID (turning to go). Is there anything else, sir?

MEN. S. Say I'll take care of these things-(aside, as maid leaves) take care they're sold as soon as possible for what they'll bring. (Exit MAID.) (Looking after her) Gone now, has she? Gone! She's shut the door. (Jubilant) Well, well, all the gods do aid, augment, and love me! But I must hurry up and leave these harlot haunts while time and circumstance permit. Quick, Menæchmus! forward, march! I'll take off this garland and throw it away to the left (does so) so that if anyone follows me, I have gone this way.

they may think (Going in the (Going in the

opposite direction) I'll go meet my servant, if I can, and let him know how bountiful the gods have been to me. (Exit.)

ACT IV

Enter MENECHMUS'S WIFE from the house, followed by PENICULUS

WIFE (tempestuous). Shall I let myself be made a fool of in such a married life as this, where my husband slyly sneaks off with everything in the house and carries it to his mistress?

PEN. Hush, hush, won't you? You shall catch him in the act now, I warrant you. Just you follow me this way. Drunk and garlanded, he was carrying to the embroiderer's the mantle he stole from you and carried from the house to-day. (Seeing the garland) But look here! Here is the garland he had! Now am I a liar? There! he went this way, if you want to track him. (Looking down the street) Yes, and by Jove, look! Splendid! He is coming back! But without the mantle!

WIFE. How shall I act toward him now?

PEN. (dryly). The same as alwaysmake him miserable; that is my advice. Let's step aside here; (drawing her back between the houses) catch him from ambush.

SCENE 2

Enter MENÆCHMUS in a bad temper

MEN. What slaves we are to this consummately crazy, confoundedly chafing custom! Yes, and it's the very best men amongst us that are its worst slaves. A long train of clients-that's what they all want; whether good men or bad is immaterial; it's the wealth of the clients they consider, rather than their reputa

tion for probity. If a man's poor and not a bad sort, he's held to be worthless; but if he's rich and is a bad sort, he's held to be an admirable client. But clients that have absolutely no regard for law, or for what is just and fair, do keep their patrons worried. They deny honest debts, are for ever at law, they're rapacious, fraudulent fellows whose money was made by usury or perjury and whose souls are centred in their lawsuits. When the day of trial is set for them, it's set for (with increased bitterness) their patrons, too. Up comes the case before the people, or the court, or the ædile. That's the way a certain client of mine has kept me confoundedly worried to-day, and I haven't been able to do what I wanted or have the company I wanted, he has so delayed and detained me. Before the ædiles I spoke in defence of his countless atrocities, and proposed provisos that were intricate and difficult; I had put the case more or less as was necessary to have a settlement made. But what did he do? (Hotly) What? Named a surety! And never have I seen any man more manifestly caught; every one of his crimes was sworn to by three witnesses of the stoutest sort. (Pausing) Heaven curse the man, with the way he's spoiled this day for me; yes, and curse me, too, for ever taking a look at the forum to-day! Such a splendid day as I have spoiled! A luncheon ordered, and a mistress no doubt waiting for me! At the earliest possible moment I hurried away from the forum. She's angry with me now, I suppose; (hopefully) my gift will mollify her-that mantle I took from my wife and brought to Erotium here.

PEN. (triumphantly to WIFE, aside). What do you say?

WIFE (indignant). That he's a wretch who has me for his wretched wife!

PEN. You quite hear what he says?
WIFE. Quite.

MEN. If I had any sense, I should move on and go inside where I'll have a

good time. good time. (Passes his own house and goes towards EROTIUM's door.)

PEN. (stepping forward). You wait! It will be a bad time, instead.

WIFE (stepping forward on the other side). You shall certainly pay interest on that theft, I swear you shall!

PEN. (gleefully). Take that! WIFE. Did you think you could commit such outrages on the sly?

MEN. (guileless). What do you mean by that, my dear?

WIFE. You ask me?

MEN. Do you want me to ask him? (Pointing to PENICULUS.)

WIFE (as he tries to fondle her). None of your caresses!

PEN. (to WIFE). Keep at him, keep at him!

MEN. Why are you cross at me?

WIFE. You ought to know!

PEN. He does know, but he's pretending, the rascal.

MEN. What does this mean?
WIFE. A mantle-

MEN. (worried). A mantle?
WIFE. A mantle someone-

PEN. (to MENECHMUS). What are you frightened at?

MEN. (trying to appear unconcerned). Frightened? I? Not in the least.

PEN. (triumphantly, pointing to MENÆCHMUS's face, which has turned pale). Barring this: the mantle unmans you. Now none of your eating up the lunch behind my back! (To WIFE) Keep at the fellow!

MEN. (aside to PENICULUS). Keep still, won't you? (Shakes his head at him.)

and all that's holy-is that strong enough for you? I did not shake my head at him.

PEN. Oh, she takes your word for that forthwith! Get back to the point.

MEN. Back to what point? PEN. Why, to the embroiderer's shop, I should say. Go, bring back the mantle. MEN. Mantle? What mantle?

PEN. (disgusted at WIFE'S tearful futility). I say no more, seeing she doesn't remember her own affairs.

WIFE (in tears). Oh Heavens! I surely am an unhappy woman!

MEN. (solicitously). How are you unhappy? Tell me all about it. (To WIFE, tenderly) Has any one of the slaves been at fault? Do the maids or menservants talk back to you? Do speak out. They shall pay for it.

WIFE. Nonsense!

MEN. You're awfully cross. I don't quite like that.

WIFE. Nonsense!

MEN. It must be some one of the servants you're angry with.

WIFE. Nonsense!

MEN. You're not angry at me, anyhow, are you?

WIFE. There now! That's sense. MEN. Good Lord! I haven't been at fault!

WIFE. Aha! back to your nonsense! MEN. (patting her). Do tell me what troubles you, my dear.

PEN. (scornfully). He's soft-soaping you, the sweet thing!

MEN. (to PENICULUS). Can't you stop annoying me? I'm not addressing you, am I? (Tries to caress his WIFE.)

WIFE. Take your hand away! (Slaps him.)

PEN. Take that! Now be in a hurry to eat up the lunch in my absence, now get drunk and appear in front of the house with a garland on and give me the laugh!

ΜΕΝ. Good heavens! I haven't

eaten lunch, and I've never set foot inside this house to-day.

PEN. You deny it?

MEN. Indeed I do, gad, yes.

PEN. Well, of all the brazenness! Didn't I just now see you in front of the house wearing a garland of flowers? When you told me that my headpiece was out of order and that you didn't know me, and said you were arriving from abroad?

MEN. Why, I'm only this moment getting home after parting company with you a while ago.

PEN. (angrily). I know you! You didn't count on my having a way to get even with you. By gad, I've told your wife everything!

MEN.

What have you told her? PEN. Oh, I don't know; ask her yourself.

MEN. (to his WIFE, bravely). What's all this, my dear? What sort of a tale has he been relating to you? What is it? Why are you silent? Why don't you tell me what it is?

WIFE. As if you didn't know! Asking me!

MEN. Bless my soul! I shouldn't ask you if I did know.

PEN. Oh, the villain! How he plays the innocent! (To MENÆCHMUS) You can't conceal it; she understands the matter beautifully. I have told her the whole story, by Jove!

ΜΕΝ. What does this mean?

WIFE (with acerbity). Since you have no sense of shame and no wish to confess of your own free will, listen, and listen closely. I'll soon let you know why I'm cross and what he told me. A mantle has been stolen from me at home.

MEN. (indignant). A mantle stolen from me?

PEN. See how the rascal is trying to catch you? (To MENACHMUS) It was stolen from her, not from you. Why, if it was stolen from you, it would certainly be-lost.