MEN. (meekly). But I didn't give it to her out and out; I only-it's like this— 'I only lent it.

WIFE. Good gracious, sir! I certainly do not lend out your mantle or cloak to anyone. A woman is the proper person to give out women's clothes, a man men's. You bring that mantle back home, will you?

MEN. I'll see it's brought back.

WIFE. You will be seeing to your own comfort, I fancy; for never shall you enter the house unless you bring the mantle with you. (Turning away abruptly) I am going home.

PEN. (anxiously). What do I get for helping you in this?

WIFE (with a sour smile). I'll help you in return when something is stolen from your house. (Exit into the house.)

PEN. Oh Lord! That means never, for I have nothing in my house to lose. (Heartily) Be damned to you, husband and wife both! I'll hurry to the forum,

for I perceive I've plainly fallen out of the good graces of this family. (Exit.)

MEN. (comfortably). My wife thinks she has pained me by shutting me out. Just as if there wasn't another placeand a better one-where I'll be admitted. If you don't like me, I must bear it; Erotium here will like me anyway. She won't shut me out; oh no, she'll shut me in with her! Now I'll go and beg her to give me back the mantle I gave her a while ago; I'll buy her another, a better (Knocking at her door) Hullo! Anyone minding the door here? Open ud and call Erotium out, someone!

one.

SCENE 3

EROT. (within). Who is inquiring for me?

MEN. A man who is more his own foe than yours, dear.

Enter EROTIUM into the doorway EROT. Menæchmus, love, why are you standing out here? (Taking his arm) Do come in.

MEN. Wait. Do you know why I've come to see you?

EROT. I know-so that we may have a nice time together.

MEN. No, you're wrong, confound it! Do gave me back that mantle I gave you a while ago, there's a dear. My wife has found out about the whole business, from beginning to end. I'll buy you a mantle twice as expensive-any you choose.

EROT. (surprised). But I gave it to you to take to the embroiderer's just a few minutes ago, along with that bracelet you were to carry to the jeweller's to have made over.

MEN. You gave me the mantle and a bracelet-me? You'll find you never did so. Why, after giving you that mantle a while ago and going to the forum I'm just getting back; this is the first time. I've seen you since then.

EROT. (aroused). But I see what you are up to. Just because I've put them

MEN. No, heavens, no! it's not to cheat you, I ask for it-really, my wife has found out, I tell you

EROT. (passing over what she thinks the usual lie). No, and I didn't beg you to give it to me in the first place; you brought it to me yourself of your own accord, made me a present of it; and now you ask it back. Very well. Take it, carry it off, wear it yourself or let your wife wear it, or for that matter lock it up in a coffer. You shall not set foot in this house after to-day, don't fool yourself. Now that you've held a good friend like me in contempt, you can bring along ready money, or else you can't lead me along like a fool. After this you just find somebody else to fool. (Turns to go in.)

MEN. Oh gad, now, really you're too testy! Here, here! I say! Wait! Come back! What? You won't stop? What? You aren't willing to return for my sake? (Exit EROTIUM, slamming the door.) She's gone inside! She's closed the door! Well, if I'm not getting the most exclusive reception! Neither at home nor at my mistress's, either, do they believe a word I say! I'll go and consult my friends about this and see what they think should be done.

ACT V

Enter MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES

MEN. S. What an idiot I was a while ago when I entrusted my wallet and money to Messenio! He's immersed himself in a pothouse somewhere, I suppose.

Enter the WIFE of MENÆCHMUS into the doorway

WIFE. I'll go out and see if my husband won't soon be back home. (Seeing

MEN. S. I wonder where Messenio is promenading now.

WIFE. I'll step up and welcome him with the words he deserves. (Advancing) Aren't you ashamed to appear in my sight with that costume, you monster?

MEN. S. (startled). Eh, what is it that excites you, madam?

WIFE. What! Do you dare breathe a word, do you dare speak to me, you shameless creature?

MEN. S. What, pray, is my offence, that I should not dare to speak?

WIFE. You ask me? Oh, such brazen shamelessness!

MEN. S. (still polite). Madam, do you not know why the ancient Greeks used to declare that Hecuba was a bitch?

WIFE (sharply). No, indeed, I don't. MEN. S. Because Hecuba used to do precisely what you are doing now: she used to pour every kind of abuse on everyone she saw. So they began to call her bitch, and quite properly, too.

WIFE (incensed). I cannot endure this outrageous conduct of yours. Why, I'd rather live without a husband all my life than put up with the outrageous things you do.

MEN. S. And how does it concern me whether you can endure your married life, or leave your husband? Or is this the fashion here-to prattle to arriving strangers?

WIFE. Prattle? I will not put up with it any longer, I tell you. I'll get a divorce rather than tolerate your goings-on.

MEN. S. Lord, Lord! get divorced, for all I care-and stay so as long as Jove reigns!

WIFE (examining mantle). See here, you denied stealing this a while ago, and now you hold it, the very same one, right before my eyes. Aren't you ashamed?

MEN. S. Bravo, madam! By Jove! You are a bold, bad one with a ven

geance! Do you dare tell me this was stolen from you, when another woman gave it to me so that I might get it renovated?

WIFE. Good heavens, that is-I'll send for my father this moment and I'll give him an account of your outrageous actions! (Calling at door) Deceo! Go look for my father-bring him here to me; say it's absolutely necessary. (TO MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES) I'll soon lay bare your outrageous conduct!

MEN. S. Are you sane? What is this outrageous conduct of mine?

WIFE. You filched my mantle and jewellery from the house-from your own wife and carried them off to your mistress. Isn't this perfectly true (bitterly) prattle?

MEN. S. Good Lord, madam, if you know of any drug I can take to enable me to endure that temper of yours, for heaven's sake name it. Who you think I am is a mystery to me; as for me, I knew you when I knew Hercules' wife's grandfather.

WIFE. You may laugh at me, but I vow you can't laugh at that man (pointing down the street), my father, who's coming this way. Look back there. Do you know him?

MEN. S. (looking). Oh yes, I knew him when I knew Calchas. I saw him on the same day I first saw you.

WIFE. You deny knowing me, you deny knowing my father?

MEN. S. Oh Lord! I'll say the same thing if you bring on your grandfather. (Walks away.)

WIFE. Oh dear me! that's just the way you are always acting!

my age permits and the occasion demands. (Halting) But I know well enough how .. easy it is for me. For I've lost my nimbleness. . . the years have taken hold of me . . . it's a heavy body I carry . . . my strength has left me. Ah, old age is a bad thing—a bad piece of freight! Yes, yes, it brings along untold tribulations when it comes; if I were to specify them all, it would be a... long, long story. But this is the thing that weighs on my mind and heart-what in the world has happened to make my daughter ask me, all of a sudden this way, to come to her. Not a word am I told as to what is wrong, what she wants, why she summons me. However, I have a pretty fair notion already what it's all about. She's had some squabble with her husband, I fancy. That's the way with women that try to keep their husbands under their thumbs, arrogant just because they've brought a good dowry. (Pauses) And the husbands often aren't blameless, either. (Reflecting) However, there's a limit, just the same, to what a wife should put up with; and, by Jove, a daughter never summons her father unless there's something amiss or some just cause for complaint. But I shall soon know about it, whatever it is. (Advancing and looking about) Ah, there she is herself in front of the house— and her husband, looking sour! It's just as I suspected. I'll have a word with her.

WIFE (aside). I'll go meet him. (Advancing) I hope you're well, father dear -very well.

FATHER. And you. Do I find all well here? Is all well, that you have me summoned? Why are you so gloomy? Yes, and why is he (pointing to MENÆCHMUS SOSICLES) standing aloof there, angry? You've been bickering over something or other, you two. Out with it-which is to blame? Be brief; no long words.

WIFE. I haven't been at fault at all, indeed I haven't; I'll relieve you on this

A

FATHER. Now look at that! squabble! See here, how many times have I given you notice to guard against coming to me with grievances, either of you?

WIFE (tearfully). How can I guard against that, father dear?

FATHER (severely). You ask me?
WIFE. If you please.

FATHER. How many times have I explicitly told you to humour your husband and not keep watching what he does, where he goes, and what he is about?

WIFE. Well, but he makes love to this strumpet, the very next door!

FATHER. He shows excellent judgement, and he will make love to her all the more, I warrant you, to reward this diligence of yours.

WIFE. And he drinks there, too.

FATHER. Just because of you, will he drink the less there or anywhere else he pleases. Such confounded impudence! You might as well expect to keep him from accepting an invitation to dinner, or from having company at his own home. Do you expect your husbands to be your slaves? You do, and bid him sit with the maids and card wool.

WIFE (resentfully). I see I have brought you here, father, to defend my husband, not myself. Retained by me, you plead his case.

FATHER. If he has done anything out of the way, I shall be a great deal more severe with him than I have been with you. But inasmuch as he keeps you well supplied with jewellery and clothes, fur

nishes you with plenty of maidservants and provisions, you had better be sensible about things, my girl.

WIFE. But he filches my jewellery and mantles from my chests at home, he robs me, and carries my nicest things to strumpets on the sly!

FATHER. He does wrong, if he does that; if he doesn't, you are doing wrong to accuse an innocent man.

WIFE. Why, he has a mantle this very moment, father, and a bracelet he'd taken to her he is just now bringing back, because I found him out.

FATHER. I'll find out about this from him at once. I'll go and have a talk with the man. (Approaching MENACHMUS SOSICLES) Speak up, Menæchmus, and let me know what you two are at odds over. Why are you so gloomy? And why is she standing aloof there, angry?

MEN. S. (vehemently). Whoever you are, whatever your name is, old gentleman, I call Heaven and God on high to witness

FATHER (surprised). What about, concerning what conceivable thing?

MEN. S. That I have done no wrong to that woman who accuses me of having raided her house and stolen this mantle, and of having carried it off

WIFE. He swears to that?

MEN. S. If I ever set foot inside this house, where she lives, I pray Heaven to make me the most wretched wretch on earth.

FATHER (horrified). Are you sane, to pray for a thing like that, or to deny that you ever put foot in this house, where you live, you utter idiot?

MEN. S. Do you, too, say I live in that house, old gentleman? FATHER. And do you deny it? MEN. S. By gad I do, truly!

FATHER. No, by gad, you do untruly -unless you moved away somewhere last night. (Turning to his WIFE) Daughter, come over here. (She obeys.)

Tell me you have not moved away from here, have you?

WIFE. Where to, or why, for mercy's sake?

FATHER. Bless my soul, I don't know. WIFE. He's making fun of you, of course. Can't you see that? FATHER. Really now, Menæchmus, you have joked enough. Come, now, stick to the point.

MEN. S. See here, what have I got to do with you? Who are you, and where do you come from? What do I owe you, or that woman either, who is

pestering me in every conceivable way?

WIFE (to her FATHER, frightened). Do you see how green his eyes are? And that greenish colour coming over his temples and forehead? How his eyes glitter! Look!

MEN. S. (aside). Seeing they declare I'm insane, what's better for me than to pretend I am insane, so as to frighten them off? (Develops alarming symp toms.)

How he

WIFE (more frightened). stretches and gapes! Father, father dear, what shall I do now? FATHER (retreating). Come over here, my child, as far as you can from him!

MEN. S. (having worked himself up properly). Euhoe! Bacchus! Bromius! Whither dost thou summon me a-hunting in the woods? I hear, but I cannot quit these regions, with that rabid bitch on watch there at my left, aye, and there behind a bald-headed goat who many a time in his life has ruined a guiltless fellow-citizen by his perjury!

FATHER (in helpless rage). Ugh! Curse you!

MEN. S. Lo! Apollo from his oracle doth bid me burn her eyes out with blazing brands!

WIFE. He'll murder me, father dear! He threatens to burn my eyes out! FATHER (in low tone). Hey! daughter!

WIFE. What is it? What shall we do?

FATHER. How about my calling the servants here? I'll go and fetch someone to carry him away from here and tie him up at home before he makes any more trouble.

MEN. S. (aside). Now then, I'm stuck! Unless I get the start of them with some scheme, they'll be taking me off to their home. (Intercepting the old man and glaring at WIFE) Thou dost bid me, Apollo, to spare my fists in no wise upon her face, unless she doth leave my

sight and get to the devil out of here! I will do as thou biddest, Apollo! (Advancing upon her.)

FATHER. Run, run home as fast as you can before he batters you to bits!

WIFE (rushing for the door). Yes, I'm running. Do, please, keep watch of him, father dear, and don't let him leave this place! Oh, miserable woman that I am, to have to hear such words! (Exit.) MEN. S. Not badly, oh Apollo, did I remove that female! Now for this beastly, bewhiskered, doddering Tithonus, who calls himself the son of Cygnus

these be thy commands, that I crush his limbs and bones and joints with the same staff which he doth carry! (Advances.)

FATHER (retreating and raising his staff). You'll get hurt if you touch me, I tell you, or if you come any nearer

to me!

MEN. S. I will do as thou biddest! I will take a double-edged axe, and this old man-I'll hew away his flesh, gobbet by gobbet, to the very bone!

FATHER (aside, timorously, still retreating). I must be on my guard and look out for myself, indeed I must! Really, I'm afraid he'll do me some injury, from the way he threatens me.

MEN. S. Many are thy commands, Apollo. Now thou dost bid me take yoked steeds, unbroken, fiery, and mount