general, and led to those paffages of scripture and fubjects which I chose for my public dif

courfes.

A number of christians, though not large, who were members of the church, were a comfort to me, and appeared to be pleafed and edified under my ministry. I had, from time to time, fome oppofers of the doctrines which I preached. But being perfuaded, and knowing that they were the truths contained in divine revelation, this oppofition, from whatever quarter, did not in the leaft deter or difcourage me from adhering to them and vindicating them publicly and in pri

vate.

And this was the occafion of my understanding them better, of enlarging my views of the extent and confiftency of the truths of chriftianity; and more and more confirming and eftablishing me in the knowledge and belief of them.

When I was difmiffed from Great-Barrington, I thought it not probable that I fhould refettle in the work of the miniftry, fince I could not think of fettling any where, unless with a church, which were friendly to the doctrines and difcipline which I believed and preached, and appeared, at least a good number of them, to be real chriftians. And it was not probable that fuch a church could be found, feeing religion appeared generally to be funk to fo low an ebb,

and the doctrines and difcipline which I inculcated, were so much opposed and rejected.

I was then engaged in writing a reply to Mr. Mills entitled, The true ftate and character of the unregenerate, stripped of all mifreprefentation and disguise. In attending to and finishing this I spent fome months at home, and most of the time rode on Saturday to North Canaan, about twelve miles from my houfe, and preached to that people, they having no minifter, and returned home on Monday. When that work was finished, and put to prefs at New-Haven, I fet out on a journey to Bofton, defiring to vifit my christian friends there, of whom I had a confiderable number, with whom I had a particular acquaintance, and who had fhown great and special kindness to me for a number of years. Doctor Lowell being then aged and fick, unable to attend the work of the ministry, a number of the church and congregation of the old fouth, were defirous to have me introduced there. But fome of the leading men in the church being oppofed to it, exerted themfelves in opposition to it, and took measures effectually to prevent it.

While I was in Boston, there came a mait from Topfham, a town one hundred and fifty miles east of Boston, on Kennebec river; being fent to get a minifter to come and preach to tha people. Having been defirous for fometime tó

F

get acquainted with that eastern country, of which I had heard much, I confented to go, and arrived there the beginning of June. I found the fettlement new; the people ignorant and generally stupid in matters of religion; and no church or profeffors of religion in the town. The people, however, came pretty generally to hear me; and many came from the adjacent towns, there being but few ministers in these parts. They profeffed highly to approve of my preaching, and none appeared to oppose. When I had spent a few fabbaths there, the committee came to me, and faid, the people appeared unanimous in defiring me to stay with them; they therefore defired that I would confent to have the people collected in town meeting to fee if they would invite me to fettle among them, in which, without doubt, they would be unanimous.-I told them that they were but a young fettlement, and their lands in general were uncultivated : that as I had a wife and a number of children, and was fo far advanced in life, I did not believe it my duty to move my family 'fo far, and fettle among them, in my time of life, and in their prefent circumstances; therefore would not have them think of calling a meeting of the people, in order to invite me to fettle with them: that I hoped they would find a young man, who might be willing to fettle with them.*

Monday June 12, 1769. Spent Saturday in fafting and prayer, had a variety of exercises, more ftrong than com

I then concluded in my own mind, that it would be my duty to live with my family at Great-Barrington, and cultivate my farm for a

mon, was in tears great part of the day; fo that I was obliged to fhut myfelf up, not fit to be feen. If ever I knew what it was, to cast myself upon Christ, I did fo now. Sovereign grace was all my plea, and all my hope. I had unspeakable pleasure in thinking that in me, there was a proper foundation for the greateft exercife and difplay of fovereign grace; even in my infinite, distinguished guilt, vilenefs and mifery: this afforded opportunity for the exercife of divine power, wifdom, and goodnefs, in all their infinite height and latitude. That in me, there was a broad bottom, for the trial of divine grace, on which it may have full fcope, as it were, and erect the greatest monument, to the praife of the glory of God's grace to all eternity! My foul feemed to rejoice and exult in this, more, unfpeakably more than in my own falvation, confidered as feparate from this. Yea, the latter, was as nothing of no account, and not worth asking for, in comparison with the former, or afide from that.

My exercises were uncommon, and remarkable in one refpect, viz. in the quick fucceffion of light and joy, and dejection and gloom. I was fometimes lifted up, and then foon caft down, and my exercifes as it were obliterated.

The chief things I propofed to feek God for to day were, first, his direction and fmiles, with regard to my future circumstances, and usefulness in the world, with refpect to which, I have had a variety of exercises, which would fill a volume were they all recorded.

Secondly, For my christian friends.

Third'y, For the church of Chrift, &c.

This morning awoke with the words of Chrift in my mind "he that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me; and he that loveth me fhall be loved of my father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself unto him." I feemed to long to keep Chrift's commandments, and thought the great one was to love one another. This led me when I was up, to read the 14th, 15th and 16th chapters of John. And oh, how full of sweet inftruction are they! there is an additional, inexpreffible fweetness in the bible now, which I never tafted before.

living, rather than to fettle at Topsham, or any place like that; and felt reconciled to fuch a plan, unless I fhould have fome better profpect of fettling in the ministry.

Saturday morning July 1. Purpofe to spend this day in fafting and prayer. The day is to be spent in the following

manner.

1. In attending to my fins, and confeffing them before God.

2. In praying for pardon and holiness.

3. That God would make the path of duty plain before me, form me for his fervice, and improve me in it.

4. In feeking mercies for my wife and children.

5. Praying for direction and affistance while with this people, that fome good may be done here.

6. For my chriftian friends, and kind benefactors.

7. For the church of Chrift in general and for the world of mankind. Clofe the day with thanksgiving.

When I first rofe this morning, read the feventy first Pfalm, with fome exercifes of heart and pleasure. Many paffages, in it feemed applicable to my circumftances; and I thought I could make them the language of my own heart. The imprecations on enemies, verfe, 13, 24, I could apply to invifible enemies, the devils, and wicked men, confidered as enemies to me, because enemies to Chrift, and so far as they are fuch, they may be confumed and deftroyed. This is confident with their being converted and faved.

"Their feet are fwift to fhed blood, but how to de good they know not." This is the very character that I have been of, all my days. All fin of omiffion or commiffion is shedding blood, it is mifchief, it is murder. In all my connections, I have been conftantly guilty of omitting fomething which I ought to have done for their good, or doing fomething which tended to their hurt. I have miffed ten thoufand opportunities to do good, and have not feen them till they were paft, through the ftupidity and wickedness of my heart. If I have ever defired to do any good, it has been the effect of sovereign grace.

I have been longing to get rid of fin-the thought of living as I have, is dreadful. In this fenfe I groan being burdened!