The toil to gain the laurel prize,
That dims the anxious student's eyes,
The pedant air of learned looks,
And long fatigue of turning books.
Let
poor dull rogues, with weary pains,
To college come to mend their brains,
And drudge four years, with grave concern
How they may wiser grow, and learn.
Is wealth of indolence afraid,
Or does wit need pedantic aid?
The man of wealth the world descries,
Without the help of learning wise;
The magic powers of gold, with ease,
Transform us to what shape we please,
Give knowledge bright and courage brave,
And sense, that nature never gave.
But nought avails the hoarded treasure;
In spending only lies the pleasure.
"There vice shall lavish all her charms, And rapture fold us in her arms, Riot shall court the frolic soul,
And swearing crown the sparkling bowl; While wit shall sport with vast applause, And scorn the feeble tie of laws:
Our midnight joys no rule shall bound,
While games and dalliance revel round.
Such pleasures youthful years can know,
And schools there are, that such bestow.
"Those seats how blest, for ease and sport,
Where wealth and idleness resort,*
Where free from censure and from shame,
They seek of learning, but the name,
Their crimes of all degrees and sizes
Atoned by golden sacrifices;
Where kind instructors fix their price,
In just degrees, on every vice,
And fierce in zeal 'gainst wicked courses,
Demand repentance, of their purses;
Till sin, thus tax'd, produces clear
A copious income every year,
And the fair schools, thus free from scruples, Thrive by the knavery of their pupils.
* There is a certain region on the western continent, situated within the northern temperate zone, where in some of the most notable and respectable schools, not only indolence and dulness, but almost every crime, may by the rich be atoned for with pecuniary satisfaction.
"Ev'n thus the Pope long since has made
Of human crimes a gainful trade;
Keeps ev'ry pleasing vice for sale,
For cash, by wholesale, or retail.
There, pay the prices and the fees,
Buy rapes, or lies, or what you please,
Then sin secure, with firm reliance,
And bid the ten commands defiance.
"And yet, alas, these happiest schools
Preserve a set of musty rules,
And in their wisest progress show
Perfection is not found below.
Even there, indulged, in humble station,
Learning resides by toleration;
No law forbids the youth to read ;
For sense no tortures are decreed ;
There study injures but the name,
And meets no punishment but shame.”
Thus reas❜ning, Dick goes forth to find
A college suited to his mind;
But bred in distant woods, the clown
Brings all his country airs to town;
The odd address with awkward grace,
That bows with all-averted face;
The half-heard compliments, whose note
Is swallow'd in the trembling throat;
The stiffen'd gait, the drawling tone,
By which his native place is known;
The blush, that looks, by vast degrees,
Too much like modesty to please;
The proud displays of awkward dress,
That all the country fop express,
The suit right gay, though much belated,
Whose fashion's superannuated;
The watch, depending far in state,
Whose iron chain might form a grate;
The silver buckle, dread to view,
O'ershad'wing all the clumsy shoe;
The white-gloved hand, that tries to peep
From ruffle, full five inches deep;
With fifty odd affairs beside,
The foppishness of country pride.
Poor DICK! though first thy airs provoke Th' obstreperous laugh and scornful joke, Doom'd all the ridicule to stand,
While each gay dunce shall lend a hand; Yet let not scorn dismay thy hope
To shine a witling and a fop.
Blest impudence the prize shall gain,
And bid thee sigh no more in vain.
Thy varied dress shall quickly show
At once the spendthrift and the beau.
With pert address and noisy tongue,
That scorns the fear of prating wrong,
'Mongst list'ning coxcombs shalt thou shine,
And every voice shall echo thine.
How blest the brainless fop, whose praise
Is doom'd to grace these happy days,
When well-bred vice can genius teach,
And fame is placed in folly's reach,
Impertinence all tastes can hit,
And every rascal is a wit.
The lowest dunce, without despairing,
May learn the true sublime of swearing;
Learn the nice art of jests obscene,
While ladies wonder what they mean;
The heroism of brazen lungs,
The rhetoric of eternal tongues;
While whim usurps the name of spirit,
And impudence takes place of merit,
And every money'd clown and dunce
Commences gentleman at once.
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