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but if he had eradicated every hair of his beard, he would not have found a fentence fuited to the occafion. At laft, he luckily thought of invoking the German Muse, and took up his pipe, which was mouldering away in a corner of the carriage. Then preffing the afhes with his little finger-for the brave Colonel never was afraid of fire-and adminiftering the tube to his mouth, he drew in an enormous whiff, full fix feet long, Rhinland measure, and blew it, puff! into the facred face of Francis the Second. The fudden guft of fioke, by G-d's bleffing, awakened the Emperor from his painful reverie; but, as the D-vil would have it, it had fuch an effect upon his weak lungs, that his Imperial, Royal, and Apoftolic Majefty was very nearly fuffocated.

By this time, the good people of Vienna had learnt the approach of their Sovereign, and were ftanding at their doors and windows, in expectation of hearing the horns announce his arrival. "After conquering France," faid the good people of Vienna, "and being fo long abfent from his wife, he will certainly come back with horns *."No horns, however, could they hear; but at length they perceived their mighty mafter ftealing down the bye ftreets to the Council-chamber. "Aye," faid the people of Vienna," he is modeft, like his uncle Jofeph, and like him, he makes no parade of his victories."

The Council was fitting.-The hoary Kaunitz, finding by his laft difpatches that the Emperor had promifed his faithful Flemings not to leave them till he fhou'd have conquered French Flanders, and not doubting but he would fulfil his royal word, had called together the Counsellors to make a divifion of the fpoils of the enemy. After a very fhort debate, they had determined that the Dutch fhould have all the conquered

*Great perfonages and good news are introduced to Vienna by poftillions blowing horns, fometimes not lefs than thirty-fix in number.

country

country as a barrier, in the hands of their ally, to protect them from the French; that the English fhould have all the honour-of paying for it; and that the Emperor should keep nothing but the fovereignty and

the revenues.

This difpofition they made known to Cæfar when he entered, with manifold congratulations on the speed of his triumphant career. "I have not as yet conquered all the French Netherlands," faid the Emperor.

"Your Majefty," faid Kaunitz, " has probably taken no more than Hainault, the Cambrefis, and Artois.". The Emperor shook his head." You must be mafter of Dunkirk and Lifle, to be fure."The Emperor fhook his head." Maubege, at leaft, is in the hands of your troops."-The Emperor fhook his head with fome impatience." Oh!" faid old Kaunitz, "I fee how it is; your victorious army is at Courtray and Menin, ready to feize its certain prey.". "The French army is at Menin and Courtray," faid the Emperor, pettishly.

"The French army is at Menin and Courtray !"--All the aged Counsellors drew their chairs close to the Council-board; planted their elbows upon it; and, resting their chins upon their hands, fat looking each other in the face; and in that pofture, no doubt, they would be fitting ftill, if they had not been rouzed by the fudden founding of a horn.

It was a meflenger from the army.-" The French have taken Ypres," faid the meffenger." Tantara!" It was a fecond horn, and a fecond meffenger." The French have taken Charleroi.”. "Tantara!" A third meffenger came in. "The French have taken Mons."" Tantara! The French have taken Bruffels," faid a fourth meflenger.

As the meffengers fucceffively brought in the doleful tidings, the jaw of the aged Kaunitz kept dropping an inch at a time; but when he heard that the Carmagnols were in Brussels, the poor old man, who, like Ulyffes's old dog, had protracted his feeble existence to fee his

E

2

master's

mafter's return, was feized with the mortal convulfion, and gave up the ghoft *.-Sic tranfit gloria mundi.— Gazetteer.

THE ROYAL DOG AND HIS MINISTER.

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HE Abbe Blanchet gives the following as an Indian tale: A Viceroy of Johor governed his province with fuch cruelty, that, being maffacred in an infurrection, Chaon Malon, the King of Siam, feizing the chiefs of the rebels, contented himself with punishing a few of them. Afterwards, affembling the Eftates of Johor in the hall of the palace-" Vile infects!" faid he, " you are no longer worthy to be governed by one of my Mandarines. Proftrate yourselves, therefore, before the Viceroy I have chofen for you." Then calling a huge maftiff" Come, Barkhouf," faid he, "reign over these wretches in my name, and exterminate them if they do not obey you." "Then addreffing himself to a Chinese, who had long refided at Johor-" You," faid he, "fhall be Barkhouf's Prime-minifter; ferve him faithfully, and give him counsel if he stands in need of it." Manifor-that was the name of the Viceroyhad no difficulty in making the King of Siam believe that he understood the canine language; for, immediately turning to the dog, and bowing three times to the earth, his bark was anfwered by another from the throne, that made the whole palace refound; and the anfwer, being fuitably interpreted by the Minifter, gave the utmost fatisfaction to the whole affembly. Even Chaon Malon could not help admiring the forcible eloquence of the new Viceroy, and the fingular erudition of his interpreter. Barkouf, notwithstanding a little ferocity in his exterior, proved the best of the canine fpecies. In the Council-chamber, he was perfectly docile to the inftructions of Mani; and in the Chamber

+ Prince Kaunitz actually died immediately after the Empe-

ror's return,

of

of Audience, his appearance was always without hauteur; as upon certain figns from his minifter, he never failed wagging his tail, or prefenting his paw to any perfon formally introduced to kifs it. His dinner was always fimple but folid, and generally eaten with the appetite of a ruftic. He fometimes amufed himself with hunting, and at others times in obferving the manoeuvres of the troops in his territory. All difpatches were figned by his paw, dipped in ink for the purpose, which ferved both for fignature and feal, and his reign was long and happy. -Chronicle.

SOME

APPROPRIATE TEXTS.

OME of our reverend gentlemen, who are denominated popular preachers, difplay great ingenuity in their choice of fuitable texts.-At an anniversary fermon preached before the Chelsea penfioners, a difcourfe was a few days fince delivered from the following appofite text-" Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth, before the evil days come, and the days in which thou fhalt fay, I have no pleafure in them." A gentleman, who preached a fermon before the Society for recovering Perfons apparently drowned, felected the following "Trouble not yourselves about him; the man is not dead." For a wedding fermon, preached a fhort time fince at a country town in Shropshire, a reverend gentleman took part of the ftory of Jepthtah's daughter-"And she went upon the mountains, and bewailed her virginity." A reverend Dean, who published a fermon for the benefit of the poor Clergy in a provincial diocefe, properly enough felected the following-" Set on the great pot, and feeth pottage for the fons of the prophets."Chronicle.

SCANDAL.

OW varioufly are different people affected by the fame fubject! A late matrimonial fracas being brought on the carpet, at a tea-drinking party at the weft end

of the town-" Poor woman!" faid a young Lady, with a deep figh." Poor woman! poor woman, indeed ! poor man, I think !" replied an old Citizen, rather peevishly.- "Vile woman!" cried an old Maid." We fhall have her in the Commons," faid a Civilian.

"We fhall have her in the papers," faid a Politician."She fhould be brought to a white fheet," faid a Curate." She fhould be toffed in a blanket," exclaimed the old Maid." Mercy upon us all!" cried the young one; "and yet, fomehow or other, one cannot fupprefs a figh.' "Somehow or other one cannot fupprefs a laugh," cried the Civilian: "I fuppofe, in the end, they must be divorced; and our Court fettles all thefe differences." "The Devil fettles all these differences!" roared the Citizen.-" Moft likely he may," faid a Country Gentleman.-Chronicle.

--

THE YOUNG LARKS.

Hoc erit tibi argumentum femper in promtu fitum,
Nequid expectes amicos, quod tute agere poffies.

Ο

ENNIUS apud GELLIUM, II. 291

NCE on a time, so says the parable,
In a fine waving field of arable,

A Lark amidst the corn had rear'd her brood;
It would have done you good

To fee how fhe with grain had cramm'd their maws;
And how, with winking eye,
And neck awry,
Panting, they lay behind their burfting craws;
And scarce could chirp, or fay
"Mamma, good day!"

No Larks of Dunstable were ever fatter,
What then could be the matter?

'Twas this: the corn fhe knew was ripe and brown, The neighbouring fields already down;

And much the prudent mother was afraid
They fhould be forc'd to quit their calm retreat,
And emigrate to fome lefs happy feat.

"My

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