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NIGHTS AT MESS.

CHAP. I.

SUCH a set of fellows as the -th Dragoons, I never met with in the whole course of my life. Talk of friendliness and hospitality! they would beat old Solomon, who had a table that stretched from one end of Palestine to the other. Their invitations are not given for certain dinners on certain days, but for weeks and months. "There now, there's a good fellow, you'll dine with us till Christmas; we've got a new messmau, and the claret is fresh from Dublin." I accepted the invitation, and intend paying it off by instalments of a week at a time;-no constitution could stand their hospitality for a longer period without a little repose. I am now resting on my oars, and getting quit of a slight unsteadiness of the hand in the mornings, which made the eating of an egg as difficult an achievement as any of the labours of Hercules. In about a month I shall be equal to another visit, but in the meantime I will just take a little memorandum of what occurred while I remained with them, by way of keeping their memory green in my soul. The first day nothing remarkable occurred during dinner. The colonel was in the chair, and a jollier-looking president it has never been my luck to meet with. Large, soldierly, and somewhat bloated, he formed a famous combination of the Bacchus subduing lions and conquering India, and the same Bacchus leering into a flagon and bestriding a cask. I am bound to confess, that the latter part of this resemblance is suggested to me by the sign post of this very decent hostel in which I write, where a prodigious man, without any particular superfluity of costume, is represented sitting on a puncheon of vast size, with a face so red, so round, so redolent of mirth, and with such a glance of irresistible whim in his eye-I'll bet a hundred to one the painter of that sign has had the honour of an interview with the gallant Colonel O'Looney. There never was a man more popular in a regiment. On parade or at mess he was equally

at home. Not one of those mere boon companions who swallow potations pottle-deep, and are fit for nothing else, but a man armed at all points, one who "the division of a battle knows," as well as the flavour of a vintage. He seemed somewhere about fifty years of age, with a considerable affectation of the youth about him. The baldness of his crown

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scrupulously concealed by combing the long straggling side locks over it; and his allusions were extremely frequent to those infernal helmets which turned a man's hair grey in the very prime of boyhood. He had never left the regiment, but gradually climbed his way up from a humble cornetcy to his present lofty rank, without however losing the gaiety which had made him so much liked and courted in the first years of his noviciate. Such was the colonel when I saw him ten days ago presiding at mess. His tones were delicious to listen to. The music of five hundred Irishmen distilled into one glorious brogue, would give but a faint idea of his fine rich Tipperary,

and all so softened by the inimitable good-nature of his expression !— Upon my honour, a story, without his voice to tell it with, loses almost all its value. When the bottles began their round, the usual hubbub commenced; but after one or two routine bumpers, my attention was attracted by a conversation at the foot of the table.

"Faith an' yese quite right," said the Colonel in answer to some observation, "in what ye say about marriage. There's a stark-staring scarcity of the commodity. Here have we been stationed now in this city of York for six weeks, and divil a young fellow of us all has picked up an heiress yet. Now, mind me, when I was here about thirty years ago, it was a very different story. We had something or other to laugh at every day in the way of the ladies,-either a start off to Gretna Green, or a duel, or a horse-whipping. But now, by the sowl of me, there's no sort of amusement to be had at all."

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"I merely wanted to benefit a little by your experience," rejoined the

other.

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Exparience? is it that ye're wanting? Well, I'll just tell you a bit of a sacret. That same exparience is the very divil in a man's way when he thinks of doing the civil thing to a young lady that has the misfortune to be rich. Young fellows like you are trusted by guardians and mothers, and cattle of that sort, and even by the damsel herself, because they see no danger in a youth with so little exparience. I found it so myself when I joined the regiment first. Never was known such a set of fine frank open-hearted creturs as I found all the young darlings at every party I went to. No shyness, no fears, no hurrying away at my approach in case I should ask them to dance with me; but now that I have had about thirty years of this same practice in the art of courtship, there's no such thing as getting near the sweet creturs even to whisper a word. Every mother's sondaughter I mane—of them, gets away as soon as possible from such a dangerous divil as a young fellow with so many years exparience. Mothers and aunts throw themselves into the gap to cover their retreat, and lug me off to the card-table that they may keep their eyes on me all the night. Ach, when we were stationed here in the glorious eighteen hundred, mothers and aunts never troubled their heads about such a sweet little inexparienced lambkin as I

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pretended to be; so the honour of carrying them off was all the same, ye know. Whenever an officer got three days' leave of absence, he was sure to bring back a wife with him; the postilions on the north road grew as rich as nabobs, and their horses as thin as lathes: all that a girl had to do was to say she was an heiress; nobody ever asked her what it was of; whether an estate or a lawsuitoff she was to the ould blacksmith before the week was out, and married as fast and sure as her mother. Then came the cream of the joke, for there was always some insolent brother, or cousin, or discarded sweetheart, to shoot immediately on your return, so that the fun lasted very often as long as the honey-moon."

"And how many of the officers were lucky enough to get married?"

"Och, every one of them, I tell ye, except myself and Jack O'Farrell. Did I ever tell ye how nearly owld Jack and I were buckled?"

"No, Colonel," cried a great many voices, "let us hear."

"Gintly, my lads, gintly. I'll tell ye first of my friend Jack. I'll take a little time to think of it before I tell ye my own adventure." Here the Colonel sighed, and said something about agonized feelings and breaking hearts, which contrasted so ridicu lously with his hilarious countenance and Herculean figure, that we could not avoid bursting into a very hearty laugh. The Colonel, after appearing a little discomposed, for I believe he considers himself no contemptible performer in the art of pathetic storytelling, joined in our laugh, tossed off a bumper and began.

"But you were talking of heiresses, Colonel," said the cornet, hiding a laugh at the jolly commander's attributing the change which he perceived in the reception he met with from the ladies to any thing rather than its right cause, " you were talking of heiresses, were there many of them in this neighbourhood at that time ?"

"Och, plinty; they either were or

"Well,-Jack O'Farrell was the most gallant-looking fellow I ever saw-great red whiskers, shoulders like the side of a house, bright fiery eyes, and a gash from a shillelah across his brow, that made him look a handsome copy of the divil, as a soldier should. He was a Galway man, the best-tempered fellow that ever was seen in the world, and had been out five times before he was twenty. One of them was with his uncle, fighting Dick Callaghan of Oonamorlich, (he was shot afterwards by Sir Niel Flanagan in the Thirteen Acres;) so, said Jack-I only took him in the shoulder, for it's unchristian to kill one's rela

tions.' Jack came across, and joined us in this very town. In a moment he won every heart at the mess-table; he drank four bottles of claret, thirteen glasses of brandy and water, and smoked two-and-twenty cigars; and then saw the chaplain safe to his lodgings, as if he had been his brother; it did us all good to see such a steady fellow. Well, just at this time, we were in the heart of running away with the women, fighting the men, and playing the divil entirely; and Jack resolved to be equal with the best of us. There was to be a ball, a public ball of some sort or other at the County Hall, and I saw my friend Jack particularly busy in making his preparations. He packed up his carpet bag, dressing-case, and a brace of horse-pistols, and having got a week's leave of absence the day before the dance. 'And what's all this you're doing, Jack?' said I. Now, my lads, I've been so long away from owld Ireland, and rattled so much about the world, that I've lost the Irish in tirely, or I would try to give you an imitation of Jack's brogue, but that's impossible for a tongue that has the trick of the English."

The Colonel luckily did not remark how some of us were amused with this apology, for not being able to speak like an Irishman, and went

on

"An' what's all this you're doing, Jack?' said I.

"Doin'? an' what should I be doin'!' says he,' but puttin' up my weddin' garments?'

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"Your wedding?' says I; you going to be married, Jack?' "Faith, an' I hope so,' says he; or what would be the use o' this wonder o' the world?' holding up a beautiful coloured silk nightcap between his finger and thumb.

"And who is the lady, you sowl?' "How the divil should I know?' said Jack. I haven't seen her, nor asked her yet; but I suppose there'll be plenty at this ball. I'm goin' to have a post-chaise at the door, an' I'll bet ye I'll show ye Mrs Cornet O‘Farrell before ye're a week owlder.'

"Done,' and 'done!' we said; and it was a wager. "Jack and I went into the ballroom together. "I wonder if Mrs John O'Farrell

is here,' said Jack, as he looked round among the ladies.

"Faith,' said I, 'it's not for me to answer ye; ye had better ask them; but I truly hope Mrs Cornet O'Looney is not in this collection, for such a set of scare-crows I never'

-"Ooch, ullaloo, man, hold your tongue; it's not for the beauty of them one cares, but just the fame of the thing, to have carried off an heiress; and an heiress Mrs O'Farrell must be, that's a sure case: for ye see, barrin' my pay and a small thrifle I owe my creditors besides, I shall have nothing to support the young O'Farrells, let alone the wife and the maid.'

"Just at this time a rich owld sugar merchant, with a whole posse of daughters, and other ladies, came bustling into the room.

""There now, Jack,' said I, 'now's your time. Here comes owld Fusby the sugar merchant from London, and half a dozen heiresses pinned to his apron. Off with ye, man. Ye can't go wrong: take the very first that will have ye. I tell ye, he's rich enough to cover the Bog of Allan with melted gold.'

"Then he's just the sort of fellow I want-so, wi' ye'r lave, I'll go and do the needful to the tall young wo man in blue. If he gives her only a thousand a foot, she'll be a very comfortable companion in a post chaise.'

"Jack was introduced in all due form, and in a minute was capering away in the middle of the floor as if he were stamping hay; and thinking all the time of the chariot at the door and Gretna Green. His partner seemed very much pleased with his attentions. She simpered and curtsied to all Jack's pretty speeches, and I began to be rather alarmed about the bet. She was very tall, very muscular-looking and strong, and seemed a good dozen of years older than the enraptured Jack. If she had been twenty years older than his mother it would have been all the same, provided she had been an heiress, for at that time, as I tell ye, we were the only two bachelors left who had not picked up a wife with prodigious reputations for money, and Jack was determined to leave me behind in the race. After he had danced with her four or five

"

different sets, he came up to me in raptures. Isn't she a dear sweet sowl?' said Jack, and such a mowld for grenadiers! She's a Scotchwoman too, and that's next door to an Irishman anyhow.'

"If she's a Scotchwoman,' said I, 'you must be sure of your ground -they haven't so many heiresses among the hills as in the fat fields of England. What's her name?'

"There now,' said he, slapping his leg, ain't I a pretty fellow? I've danced with her half the night, and niver asked her what her name is. I'll go and ask her this moment.' And accordingly he marched up to her once more, and carried her off in triumph as his partner.

"Pray, Madam, may I make so bowld,' he began, as to ask you what yer name may be-for owld Mr Fusby spakes so much wi' the root of his tongue that I can't understand a word he would mintion.'

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"Me, sir!' said the lady, endeavouring to blush; 'are you serious? Ye should na trifle wi' a young lass's feelings.'

“The divil take all thrifles of the sort-I'm sarious, my darling, and I'll prove it-will ye go off with me this instant ?'

"Had we no better wait till we're had the supper, sir? Ye know we've paid for't in the ticket.'

"Faith, an' there's some sinse in that; and will you be riddy the moment after?'

“The lady blushed, and looked her consent, and Jack was in raptures all the time of supper, meditating on the four lakes and the river, and the seventy-five thousand acres of land. Supper at last was ended, and a new dance formed. Jack, who had by no means neglected either the champaign or his partner, whispered into her ear, Are ye all riddy now, my sweet Sibilla? the horses must be tired waiting.'

"Weel, since ye insist upon't, I'm all ready enough-only my shawl is in the leddy's robing room.'

"Is it, faith?' said Jack; then I'll go for it this moment.' He was back with the speed of lightning, threw a shawl over her shoulders, and without attracting any observation, handed her down stairs into the postchaise, jumped in after her, and rattled off as fast as the horses could gallop.

"Soon after this the old sugar merchant and all his train prepared to take their departure. I waited to hand them to their carriage, but the little fat old woman, his wife, came rushing into the room, kicking up such a terrible dust- Och!' cried she 'Oh dear! oh dear! Somebody

has taken off my shawl-real Ingyworth eighty guineas every shilling -there's a thief in the room!-only think!'

"Every thing was thrown into the greatest confusion; some of the ladies fainted, and ye niver saw such an uproar in yer lives. At last, it was discovered, when every lady had taken her own shawl, that the only one unclaimed was that which had been worn by Miss Sibilla M'Scrae. That lady herself was nowhere to be found; search was made for her everywhere in vain. The little old woman stormed as if she was practising for bedlam.

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This comes,' she cried, of having beggarly Scotch governesses that wear cotton shawls. I've suspected she would come to no good ever since she has been so intimate with the potticary's boy.'

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'Potticary's boy!' thought I, 'faith, this is beyond a joke entirely -1 must be after Jack;' so I slipt away from the confusion, got into a post-chaise and four, and set off in pursuit of O'Farrel, hoping to overtake him in time to save him from marrying an heiress without a penny, who wore nothing but cotton shawls. In the meantime, information had been given that the lady was seen stepping into a post-chaise, accompanied by a tall man in a cloak, with very red whiskers- Oh, pursue them! pursue them!' cried Mrs Fusby the wretch has stolen my Ingy shawl, and gone off with the potticary's boy-I know him by the description-bis hair is as red and coarse as unrefined at twopence apound.' Nothing would satisfy her rage but instantly giving chase. A magistrate was disturbed from his slumbers, an information of the robbery laid before him, and in a very short time a couple of constables were scouring down the road with a warrant to apprehend the suspected delinquents.

place, and that as it was the only point for miles and miles where they could change horses, they must come to it by the longer road, which it seemed they must have taken. Being quite satisfied with this, I ordered myself a comfortable breakfast, and patiently waited their arrival. I had laid an embargo on all the horses, so I was certain they could not get on without my knowledge. Just as I was sitting down to my stewed fowl and beef-steaks, I saw their carriage rattle up to the inn; and in a few minutes after, another chariot-postilions hot-horses all of a tremble -drove up furiously to the door. Who the devil can this be?' thought I, for ye see I knew nothing at all about the thief-takers- Will this be another couple, I wonder?' But when I saw two coarse, strong, blackguardlooking fellows get out, I could not tell what to make of the whole business. Out of the first carriage came Jack in his plain clothes-for I forgot to tell ye he did not go to the ball in his uniform-looking very tired and sleepy-and handed out his huge raw-boned partner, whose beauty was by no means increased by her night's frolic. I did not exactly know how to proceed; so I sat down to my breakfast, and enjoying the thoughts of surprising Jack; and consulting with myself how to break the matter to him in the pleasantest manner. But my cogitations were broken off by hearing Jack, who was in the next room to me, only divided by a thin partition, saying, "Well, gentlemen-the divil take howld of yer sowls-what do ye want with me?'

"Here were we all tearing along Jack and his lady-myself-and the two thief-takers,-never was there such a race in the memory of man. I found I was gaining on the lovers every stage, and when I got to a village on this side of Durham, I found I had overshot my mark, and actually got before them. I discovered there were two roads to the

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