MY BROTHER. I was born away down at Bangor, For he had a patent machine To make bacon-hams out of pine. The tarnal concern did it slick, And 'twould make other notions with ease, You put in a thundering stick, Out tumbled a white oaken cheese. Not an article there was abused, He'd a mill too, that worked as expert And it came out a handful of paper. My brother, who that understands, But then, sir, the climax to cap, Though acres they bought on the map They couldn't find out where they were. They talked about going to law Then what could my poor brother do? Shortly afterwards the sporting milkman took his leave, and I was left at liberty to present my credentials to the Squire. Never was a man more cordially received. He informed me that the place of teacher of the district school was still vacant, and that, as he had the whole school-committee under his thumb, I should certainly supply the vacancy. This was no idle boast, for I afterwards discovered that Vanderpeeler divided the empire of popular favor with the pastor of Van Tromp. He had inherited a fortune, which had been accumulated by the thrift of several generations, and he lived in a style of comparative magnificence. He was foremost in every charitable and patriotic enterprise which required no expenditure of money; and, at a meeting on the subject of the license laws, made the very longest speech ever uttered by a Dutchman. The other members of the school-committee were jolly, blustering old fellows, independent of the world. My arrival at Van Tromp was signalized by a meeting of the school-committee at the house of the Squire, called for the purpose of examining my pretensions. The squire, however, settled the business in a summary manner; for he called for pipes, schiedam and beer, and proposed my health as the district schoolmaster. It was drunk with the usual honors, and I returned my thanks in a pertinent speech of five minutes' duration. My scruples were allowed a sufficient excuse for my passing the bottle untasted; but I thought I saw my abstinence was regarded as ungracious by the boon companions. It was settled by the conclave that I should board among my patrons by rotation, and John Gunstoffen, a member of the committee, claimed the honor of my first visit. So when the old Dutch clock struck ten, and the company rose, the squire shook hands with me warmly, and resigned me to the care of my new host, a very portly burgher, whom I had remarked for his assiduous devotion to his "halfand-half." Escorted by this jolly toper, I entered a ricketty Dutch wagon, to which two fiery young colts were attached by rope traces. Not satisfied with the natural ardor of the beasts, old Gunstoffen excited them with whip and voice, and they flew madly along to their place of destination. Just as we entered the large yard which flanked my host's abode, the wagon and the harness flew to pieces and we were precipitated to the ground. "Hurrah!" shouted my host; "a miss is as good as a mile. Set up, master, and shake yourself, bad luck this time, better next." And with similar consolatory maxims, he ushered the way into his hospitable dwelling. We found that ample preparations had been made for supper, although the lady of the house had long since sought repose. Old Gunstoffen seemed determined to exact penance for my temperance, by making me do ample justice to the fare upon the table. After half an hour's devotion to the viands, my appetite began to flag, a defection which was almost resented by my host in the light of a personal insult. As for himself, he seemed to be one of those persons who, according to Theodore Hook, are "troubled with an anaconda ;" slice after slice of glorious ham and substantial bread disappearing silently under the influence of his exertions. Sylvester Graham would have raised his hands in pious horror had he beheld him. And this was only to "stay his stomach till the morning." He completed the ceremonies of the evening by swallowing a quart of cider. This done, observing that I looked weary, he lighted a candle, and, like a courteous chamberlain, ushered me to my place of repose. The room contained one other bed beside my own, which was occupied by two gigantic youths of the ages of sixteen and nineteen, Hans and Derrick Gunstoffen, the children of mine host. They roused themselves at the entrance of their father, and uttered inarticulate exclamations. A few words in Dutch, explanatory, doubtless, of my appearance, sent them off to sleep again, after eyeing me keenly. The old gentleman now left me for the night. The events of the day had prepared me for a sound sleep, and I should doubtless have slumbered until a late hour on the following morning had I not been awakened from a dream of home by the voices of Hans and Derrick. Their conversation was evidently intended for my especial benefit. "Don't you remember, Hans," said Derrick the elder, "how the old master tried to lick me for breaking the school-room windows Wednesday afternoon?" "To be sure I do," replied his brother. petite for one week I'm thinking." "You spiled his ap "Spiled it! I doubled him up!" shouted the young giant, with a brutal laugh; "and here's the bunch of fives that'll do for his successor, if he tries to cross me." This conversation occupied them while dressing, after which they left the room, laughing loudly. I followed their example, and descended to the breakfast-room, where old Gunstoffen formally introduced me to the family. During the meal (which was excellent) I thought that Derrick eyed me with an expression of peculiar malignity, as if he anticipated a complete triumph. The old gentleman glanced occasionally at his son, with an air of sly, half-suppressed pleasure, and then at me, as if comparing the brawny figure of his son with my more slender frame. Thanks, however, to the instructions of a favorite of the Fancy, I had acquired some honor in the magic ring; or was, to use the words of that elegant professor, Jackson, a "scientific gentleman." At eight o'clock 'Squire Vanderpeeler came to conduct me to the "noisy mansion," in which I was doomed to mount my tripod, and assume the fasces like a consecrated lictor." The boys, many of them eighteen years and upwards, were profoundly attentive during an extempore speech, which the 'Squire, by dint of much humming and hawing, contrived to deliver. At the close of this splendid specimen of the oratory of Van Tromp, I was "left alone in my glory." I soon found, however, like many a monarch who had suddenly ascended the throne of state, that rebels were ready to dispute my sovereignty. Derrick Gunstoffen arose, and began to make a noise. I commanded him to sit down. He defied me. of the older lads uttered murmurs of encouragement. The giant laughed. I saw that my title to the sovereignty was now VOL. XII. 20 Some to be decided; and, advancing promptly on the recusant, I seized him firmly by the collar, and dragged him down from his "bad eminence." With a shout of derision the sturdy giant shook himself free from my grasp, and daringly aimed at me a tremendous blow. For this I was prepared, and, parrying the stroke, returned it with a "facer." Down went the discomfited champion, his countenance a gory ruin, among the scarce-heard murmurings of his associates. Thus ended round the first. "Are you prepared," I asked, "to return to your duty?" The giant rose to his feet, and replied by another blow. This I parried with the same success, and my antagonist was again floored. Rounds third and fourth were similarly ended, and my huge foe lay vanquished at my feet. I ought, perhaps, to apologize to my gentle reader for thus introducing the language and exploits of the Fancy; but alas! the modern boxing has now usurped the reputation of the ancient tilting ring, and lords, dukes, and poets have combined to make it celebrated. After all, it is but a return to classical tastes; and what those "perfect gentlemen in every respect," as Mr. Mitford calls the Spartans, were delighted with, the modern gentry cannot disapprove. To r. rn to my humiliated foe. I asked him if he was ready to take the oath of allegiance, but he only replied by a volley of oaths of a different description. My mind was instantly made up. A window stood invitingly open near at hand; beneath it, a stream, which issued from a neighboring duck-pond, meandered and murmured on its oozy bed. With a prodigious exertion of strength I caught up the brawny youth, and flung him through the window! A sullen splash without assured me that he had sustained no injury, though "Fall'n, fall'n, fall'n, Fallen from his high estate." This tremendous exploit raised me to the highest pinnacle of fame. Guy of Warwick, the Knight of Cappadocia, King Arthur, Sir Tristrem, and the host of other celebrated saints, kings, paladins, and peers, renowned in song, had they been my contemporaries, would have veiled their crests at my achievements. As for my forty pupils, the stoutest of the varlets trembled ; and ever afterwards, if any one grew restive under the curb of discipline, a single glance at the window was sufficient to reduce him to obedience. Thus feared and respected by my pupils, I swayed for a long time the sceptre of command in the little village of Van Tromp. Many a laggard trembled at my frown, and sped along the thorny paths of learning, which I would fain persuade them were bestrown with flowers and redolent of sweet perfumes. It would rejoice the very cockles of my heart to recount some more of my experiences now, but fear the reader is ready to exclaim, eheu jam satis; and, therefore, I defer until we meet again (if ever that event take place) the plain unvarnished tale of my return to my beloved New-England of the change in my fortunes-of my happy wooing and requited love. Bene, qui breviter locutus est. Forgive my pedantry—and fare thee well! THE SPIRIT OF BEAUTY. "Go forth to the woods, and tread the green dell, You will see her fair form in the snow-drop'site bell, "I have been to the woods, I have trod the green dell, I saw her fair form in the snow-drop's white bell, Wherever I roved over vale, wood, or hill, A. E. |