to say was jeest this, that every noo and then in your discoorse the day I dinna say oftener than noo and then-jeest occasionally -it struck me that there was maybe― frae time to time-jeest a wee bit o' exaggeration. Minister. Exagger - what, Sir? Precentor. Weel, maybe that's ower strong a word, I dinna want to offend ye. I mean jeest amplification, like. Minister. Exaggeration! amplification! What the deil mischief d'ye mean, Sir? Where got ye haud o' sic lang-nebbit words as these? Precentor. There, there, there! I'll no say anither word. I dinna mean to rouse ye like that. All I meant to say was that you jeest streetched the pint a wee bit. Minister. Streetched the pint! tell lees? that. D'ye mean to say, Sir, that I Precentor. Oh! no, no, no but I didna gang sae far as a' Minister. Ye went quite far enough, Sir. Sandy, answer me this: Are ye sayin' this a' out o' your ain head, or did somebody else put ye up till't? Did ye ever hear the Laird say I was in the habit o' exaggeratin'? Precentor. I wadna say but what he has. Minister. Did ever ye hear the elders say I amplified, or streetched the pint, or whatever ye like to call it? Precentor. I wadna say but what they hae, too. Minister. Oh! So the Laird, and the elders, and the whole o' ye, call me a leear, do ye? Haud your tongue, Sandy, ye've said ower muckle already; it's my turn to speak now. Sandy, although I'm your minister, still I'm perfectly willing to admit that I'm a sinful, erring creature, like any one o' ye; and the only difference between me and the rest o' ye is just this: I've been to colleges and universities, and seats o' learnin', and I've got some sense in my heid; but as for the rest o' ye, ye 're a puir, miserable, ignorant set o' creatures, that don't know your right hand frae your left; that's all the difference between us. At the same time, as I said before, I am free to admit that I myself am a human being, Sandy- only a human being; and it's just possible that being obleeged, Sawbbath after Sawbbath, to expound the Word to sic a doited set o' naturals,- for if I wasna to mak ilka thing as big as a barn door, ye wadna see it ava- I say it's just possible that I may have slippit into a kind o' habit o' magnifying things; and it's a bad habit to get into, Sandy, and it's a waur thing to be accused o't; and therefore, Sandy, I call upon you, if ever ye should hear me say another word out o' joint, to pull me up there and then. Precentor. Losh! Sir; but how could I pull ye up i' the kirk? Precentor. How could I gie ye a signal i' the kirk? Precentor. A noise i' the kirk? Minister. Ay. Ye're sittin' just down aneath me, ye ken; so ye might just put up your heid, and give a bit whustle (whistles), like that. Precentor. A whustle! Minister. Ay, a whustle! What ails the fule? Precentor. What! whustle i' the Lord's hoose on the Lord's day? I never heard o' sic a thing i' a' my days! Minister. Now, now-ye needna mak such a big disturbance about it. I dinna want ye to blaw off a great overpowering whustle, and frighten a' the folk out o' the kirk, but just a wee bit o' a whustle that naebody but our two selves could hear. Precentor. But would it no be an awfu' sin? Minister. Hoots, man; doesna the wind whustle on the Sawb bath? Precentor. Ay; I never thought o' that afore. Yes, the wind whustles. Minister. Well, just a wee bit soughing whustle like the wind (whistles softly). Precentor. Well, if there's nae harm in 't, I'll do my best. So, ultimately, it was agreed between the minister and precentor, that the first word of exaggeration from the pulpit was to elicit the signal from the desk below. Next Sunday came; the sermon had been rigorously trimmed, and the parson seated himself in the pulpit with a radiant smile, as he thought of the prospective discomfiture of Sandy. Sandy sat down as imperturbable as usual, looking neither to the right hand nor to the left. Had the minister only stuck to his sermon that day, he would have done very well, and have had the laugh against Sandy which he anticipated at the end of the service. But it was his habit, before the sermon, to read a chapter from the Bible, adding such remarks and explanations of his own as he thought necessary. He generally selected such passages as contained a number of kittle pints, so that his marvellous powers of eloocidation might be called into play. On the present occasion he had chosen one that bristled with difficulties. It was that chapter which describes Samson as catching three hundred foxes, tying them tail to tail, setting firebrands in their midst, starting them among the standing corn of the Philistines, and burning it down. As he closed the description, he shut the book, and commenced the eloocidation as follows: "My dear friends, I daresay you have been wondering in your minds how it was possible that Samson could catch three hundred foxes. You or me couldna catch one fox, let alone three hundred - the beasts run so fast. It takes a great company of dogs and horses and men to catch a fox, and they do not always catch it then the cra'ter whiles gets away. But lo and behold! here we have one single man, all by himself, catching three hundred of them. Now how did he do it?- that's the pint; and at first sight it looks a gey an' kittle pint. But it's not so kittle as it looks, my friends; and if you give me your undivided attention for a few minutes I'll clear away the whole difficulty, and make what now seems dark and incomprehensible to your uninstructed minds as clear as the sun in his noonday meridian. "Well, then, we are told in the Scriptures that Samson was the strongest man that ever lived; and, furthermore, we are told in the chapter next after the one we have been reading, that he was a very polite man; for when he was in the house of Dagon, he bowed with all his might; and if some of you, my freends, would only bow with half your might it would be all the better for you. But, although we are told all this, we are not told that he was a great runner. But if he catched these three hundred foxes he must have been a great runner, an awful runner; in fact, the greatest runner that ever was born. But, my friends - an' here's the eloocidation o' the matter -ye 'll please bear this in mind, that although we are not told he was the greatest runner that ever lived, still we're not told he wasna; and therefore I contend that we have a perfect right to assume, by all the laws of Logic and Scientific History, that he was the fastest runner that ever was born; and that was how he catched his three hundred foxes! "But after we get rid of this difficulty, my freends, another crops up after he has catched his three hundred foxes, how does he manage to keep them all together? This looks almost as kittle a pint as the other - to some it might look even kittler; but if you will only bring your common sense to bear on the question, the difficulty will disappear like the morning cloud, and the early dew that withereth away. "Now you will please bear in mind, in the first place, that it was foxes that Samson catched. Now we do n't catch foxes, as a general rule, in the streets of a toon; therefore it is more than probable that Samson catched them in the country, and if he catched them in the country it is natural to suppose that he 'bided in the country; and if he 'bided in the country it is not unlikely that he lived at a farm-house. Now at farm-houses we have stables, and byres, and coach-houses, and barns, and therefore we may now consider it a settled pint, that as he catched his foxes, one by one, he stapped them into a good sized barn, and steeked the door and locked it, here we overcome the second stumbling block. But no sooner have we done this, than a third rock of offense loups up to fickle us. After he has catched his foxes; after he has got them all snug in the barn under lock and key how in the world did he tie their tails thegither? There is a fickler. You or me couldna tie two o' their tails thegither let alone three hundred; for, not to speak about the beasts girnning and biting us a' the time we were tying them, the tails themselves are not long enough. How then was he able to tie them all? That's the pint and it is about the kittlest pint you or me has ever had to eloocidate. Common sense is no good to't. No more is Latin or Greek; no more is Logic or Metaphysics; no more is Natural Philosophy or Moral Philosophy; no more is Rhetoric or Bell's Letters, even, and I've studied them a' mysel'; but it is a great thing for poor, ignorant folk like you, that there has been great and learned men who have been to colleges, and universities, and seats o' learning the same as mysel', ye ken - and instead o' going into the kirk, like me, or into physic, like the doctor, or into law, like the lawyer, they have gone travelling into foreign parts; and they have written books o' their travels; and we can read their books. Now, among other places, some of these learned men have traveled into Canaan, and some into Palestine, and some few into the Holy Land; and these last mentioned travellers tell us, that in these Eastern or Oriental climes, the foxes there are a total dif ferent breed o' cattle a'thegither frae our foxes; that they are great, big beasts—and, what's the most astonishing thing about them, and what helps to explain this wonderful feat of Samson's, is, that they 've all got most extraordinary long tails; in fact, these Eastern travellers tell us that these foxes' tails are actually forty feet long. Precentor (whistles). Minister (somewhat disturbed). "Oh! I ought to say that there are other travellers, and later travellers than the travellers I've been talking to you about, and they say this statement is rather an exaggeration on the whole, and that these foxes' tails are never more than twenty feet long. Precentor (whistles). Minister (disturbed and confused). "Be-be- before I leave this subject a'thegither, my friends, I may just add that there has been a considerable diversity o' opinion about the length o' these animals' tails. Ye see one man says one thing, and anither, anither; and I've spent a good lot o' learned research in the matter mysel'; and after examining one authority, and anither authority, and putting one authority agin the ither, I've come to the conclusion that these foxes' tails, on an average, are seldom more than fifteen and a half feet long. Precentor (whistles). Sandy McDonald, I'll no tak anither inch aff o' the beasts' tails, even gin ye should whustle every tooth oot o' your head. Do ye think the foxes o' the Scriptures had na tails at a'?" -Anonymous. A CRITICAL SITUATION. As Harris and I sat, one morning, at one of the small round tables of the great Hote Schweitzerhof in Lucerne, watching the crowd of people, coming, going, or breakfasting, and at the same time endeavoring to guess where such and such a party came from, I said: I named one State, he named another. We agreed upon one thing, however that the young girl with the party was very - |