BOBADIL'S PLAN FOR SAVING THE EXPENSE OF AN ARMY. off with seeming ease those combatants who at tacked him, but neither pursuing his advantages, nor himself assailing any one. In short, he had hitherto acted the part rather of a spectator than of a party in the tournament, a circumstance which procured him among the spectators the name of "Le Noir Faineant," or the Black Sluggard. At once this knight seemed to throw aside his apathy, when he discovered the leader of his party so hard bestead; for, setting spurs to his horse, which was quite fresh, he came to his assistance like a thunderbolt, exclaiming in a voice like a trumpet-call," Desdichado, to the rescue!" It was high time; for, while the Disinherited Knight was pressing upon the Templar, Front-de-Boeuf had got nigh to him with his uplifted sword; but ere the blow could descend the Sable Knight dealt a stroke on his head, which, glancing from the polished helmet, lighted with violence scarcely abated on the chamfron of the steed, and Frontde-Bœuf rolled on the ground, both horse and man equally stunned by the fury of the blow. "Le Noir Faineant" then turned his horse upon Athelstane of Coningsburgh; and his own sword having been broken in his encounter with Front-de-Boeuf, he wrenched from the hand of the bulky Saxon the battle-axe which he wielded, and, like one familiar with the use of the weapon, bestowed him such a blow upon the crest, that Athelstane also lay senseless on the field. Having achieved this double feat, for which he was the more highly applauded that it was totally unexpected from him, the knight seemed to resume the sluggishness of his character, returning calmly to the northern extremity of the lists, leaving his leader to cope as he best could with Brian de BoisGuilbert. This was no longer matter of so much 207 difficulty as formerly. The Templar's horse had bled much, and gave way under the shock of the Disinherited Knight's charge. Brian de BoisGuilbert rolled on the field, encumbered with the stirrup, from which he was unable to draw his foot. His antagonist sprang from horseback, waved his fatal sword over the head of his adversary, and commanded him to yield himself; when Prince John, more moved by the Templar's dangerous situation than he had been by that of his rival, saved him the mortification of confessing himself vanquished, by casting down his warder, and putting an end to the conflict. It was, indeed, only the relics and embers of the fight which continued to burn; for of the few knights who still continued in the lists, the greater part had, by tacit consent, forborne the conflict for some time, leaving it to be determined by the strife of the leaders. The squires, who had found it a matter of danger and difficulty to attend their masters during the engagement, now thronged into the lists to pay their dutiful attendance to the wounded, who were removed with the utmost care and attention to the neighbouring pavilions. Thus ended the memorable field of Ashby-de-laZouche, one of the most gallantly-contested tournaments of that age; for although only four knights, including one who was smothered by the heat of his armour, had died upon the field, yet upwards of thirty were desperately wounded, four or five of whom never recovered. Several more were disabled for life, and those who escaped best carried the marks of the conflict to the grave with them. Hence it is always mentioned in the old records as the Gentle and Joyous Passage of Arms of Ashby. BOBADIL'S PLAN FOR SAVING THE EXPENSE OF AN ARMY. OBADIL. I will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal, I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I known to Her Majesty and the lords (observe me), I would undertake, upon this poor head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general, but to save the one-half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And how would I do it, think you? E. Kno. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive. Bob. Why, thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself, throughout the land; gentlemen they should be, of good spirit, strong and able constitution; I would choose them by an instinct, a character that I have: and I would teach these nineteen the special rules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccato, your passado, your montanto, till they could all play very near, or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March, or thereabouts; and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not in their honour refuse us; well, we would kill them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, [WILLIAM PITT. Master attendant at Jamaica Dockyard, and afterwards at Malta. Died 1840.] ONE night came on a hurricane, The sea was mountains rolling, When Barney Buntline slewed his quid, And said to Billy Bowline: "A strong nor'-wester's blowing, Bil!; Hark! don't ye hear it roar now? Lord help 'em, how I pities them Unhappy folks on shore now! "Fool-hardy chaps as live in towns, What danger they are all in, And now lie quaking in their beds, For fear the roof should fall in: Poor creaturs! how they envics us, And wishes, I've a notion, For our good luck, in such a storm, To be upon the ocean! "And as for them that's out all day, On business from their houses, And late at night returning home, To cheer their babes and spouses; While you and I, Bill, on the deck Are comfortably lying, My eyes! what tiles and chimney-pots About their heads are flying! "Both you and I have ofttimes heard How men are killed and undone, By overturns from carriages, By thieves, and fires in London. We know what risks these landsmen run. From noblemen to tailors! Then, Bill, let us thank Providence That you and I are sailors." escape hunted us through every doubling, and gained upon us each moment; so that at last we fairly stood still, resolving to face what we could not avoid. THOUGH naturally pensive, yet I am fond of gay | but in vain: the person whom he attempted to company, and take every opportunity of thus dismissing the mind from duty. From this motive I am often found in the centre of a crowd; and wherever pleasure is to be sold, am always a purchaser. In those places, without being marked by any, I join in whatever goes forward, work my passions into a similitude of frivolous earnestness, shout as they shout, and condemn as they happen to disapprove. A mind thus sunk for awhile below its natural standard, is qualified for stronger flights, as those first retire who would spring forward with greater vigour. Attracted by the serenity of the evening, my friend and I lately went to gaze upon the company in one of the public walks near the city. Here we sauntered together for some time, either praising the beauty of such as were handsome, or the dresses of such as had nothing else to recommend them. We had gone thus deliberately forward for some time, when stopping on a sudden, my friend caught me by the elbow and led me out of the public walk. I could perceive by the quickness of his pace, and by his frequently looking behind, that he was attempting to avoid somebody who followed. We now turned to the right, then to the left; as we went forward, he still went faster, 27-VOL. I. Our pursuer soon came up, and joined us with all the familiarity of an old acquaintance. "My dear Dry-bone," cries he, shaking my friend's hand, "where have you been hiding this half century? Positively I had fancied you were gone down to cultivate matrimony and your estate in the country." During the reply, I had an opportunity of surveying the appearance of our new companion: his hat was pinched up with peculiar smartness; his looks were pale, thin, and sharp; round his neck he wore a broad black ribbon, and in his bosom a buckle studded with glass; his coat was trimmed with tarnished twist; he wore by his side a sword with a black hilt; and his stockings of silk, though newly washed, were grown yellow by long service. I was so much engaged with the peculiarity of his dress, that I attended only to the latter part of my friend's reply, in which he complimented Mr. Tibbs on the taste of his clothes, and the bloom in his countenance. "Psha, psha, Will!" cried the figure, no more of that if you love me. You know I 66 hate flattery, on my soul I do; and yet, to be sure, an intimacy with the great will improve one's appearance, and a course of venison will fatten. And yet faith I despise the great as much as you do; but there are a great many honest fellows among them, and we must not quarrel with one half because the other wants weeding. If they were all such as my Lord Muddler, one of the most good-natured creatures that ever squeezed a lemon, I should myself be among the number of their admirers. I was yesterday to dine at the Duchess of Piccadilly's; my lord was there. 'Ned,' says he to me, 'Ned,' says he, 'I'll hold gold to silver, I can tell where you were poaching last night.' 'Poaching, my lord,' said I, 'faith you have missed already, for I stayed at home. "Ah, Tibbs!" thou art a happy fellow," cried my companion, with looks of infinite pity. "I hope your fortune is as much improved as your understanding in such company."- Improved!" replied the other; "you shall know; but let it go no farther—a great secret-five hundred a year to begin with-my lord's word of honour for it. His lordship took me down in his own chariot yesterday, and we had a tête-à-tête dinner in the country, where we talked of nothing else."—"I fancy you forget, sir," cried I; "you told us but this moment of your dining yesterday in town!"-"Did I say so?" replied he, coolly; "to be sure if I said so it was so-dined in town; egad, now I do remember, I did dino in town; but I dined in the country too; for you must know, my boys, I ate two dinners. By-the-by, I am grown nice in my eating. I'll tell you a pleasant affair about that. We were, a select party of us, to dine at Lady Grogram's-an affected piece, but let it go no farther a secret: well, there happened to be no asafoetida in the sauce to a turkey, upon which says I, 'I'll hold a thousand guineas, and say done first, that But, dear Dry-bone, you are an honest creature, lend me a half-a-crown for a minute or two, or so, just till-but, hark'e, ask me for it the next time we meet, or it may be twenty to one that I forget to pay you." on their purse. While his youth countenances the levity of his conduct, he may thus earn a precarious subsistence; but when age comes on, the gravity of which is incompatible with buffoonery, then will he find himself forsaken by all; condemned in the decline of life to hang upon some rich family whom he once despised, there to undergo all the ingenuity of studied contempt, to be employed only as a spy upon the servants, or a bugbear to fright the children into obedience." This afternoon my little beau of yesterday overtook me again in one of the public walks, and slapping me on the shoulder, saluted me with an air of the most perfect familiarity. His dress was the same as usual, except that he had more powder in his hair, wore a dirtier shirt, a pair of temple spectacles, and his hat under his arm. As I knew him to be a harmless, amusing little thing, I could not return his smiles with any degree of severity; so we walked forward on terms of the utmost intimacy, and in a few minutes discussed all the usual topics preliminary to particular conversation. The oddities that marked his character, however, soon began to appear; he bowed to several well-dressed persons, who, by their manner of returning the compliment, appeared perfect strangers. At intervals he drew out a pocketbook, seeming to take memorandums before all the company, with much importance and assiduity. In this manner he led me through the length of the whole walk, fretting at his absurdities, and fancying myself laughed at not less than him by every spectator. 66 When we were got to the end of the procession, "Hang me!" cries he, with an air of vivacity, “I never saw the Park so thin in my life before; there's no company at all to-day. Not a single face to be scen."-" No company!" interrupted I, peevishly; no company where there is such a crowd! why, man, there's too much. What are the thousands that have been laughing at us but company?"-"La, my dear," returned he, with the utmost good-humour, "you seem immensely When he left us, our conversation naturally chagrined; but, hang me, when the world laughs turned upon so extraordinary a character. "His at me, I laugh at all the world, and so we are even. very dress," cries my friend, "is not less extra- My Lord Trip, Bill Squash the Creolian, and I, ordinary than his conduct. If you meet him sometimes make a party at being ridiculous; and this day, you find him in rags; if the next, in so we say and do a thousand things for the joke. embroidery. With those persons of distinction, But I see you are grave, and if you are for a fine of whom he talks so familiarly, he has scarcely a grave sentimental companion, you shall dine with coffee-house acquaintance. However, both for the me and my wife to-day, I must insist on't. I'll interests of society and perhaps for his own, introduce you to Mrs. Tibbs, a lady of as elegant Heaven has made him poor; and while all the qualifications as any in nature; she was bred-but world perceives his wants, he fancies them con- that's between ourselves-under the inspection of cealed from every eye. An agreeable companion, the Countess of All-night. A charming body of because he understands flattery, and all must be voice, but no more of that; she will give us a song. pleased with the first part of his conversation, You shall see my little girl, too, Carolina Wilhelthough all are sure of its ending with a demand | mina Amelia Tibbs, a sweet pretty creature: I BEAU TIBBS. design her for my Lord Drumstick's eldest son— but that's in friendship, let it go no further; she's but six years old, and yet she walks a minuet, and plays on the guitar immensely already. I intend she shall be as perfect as possible in every accomplishment. In the first place, I'll make her a scholar; I'll teach her Greek myself, and learn that language purposely to instruct her; but let that be a secret." Thus saying, without waiting for a reply, he took me by the arm and hauled me along. We passed through many dark alleys and winding ways; for, from some motives to me unknown, he seemed to have a particular aversion to every street. At last, however, we got to the door of a dismal-looking house in the outlets of the town, where he informed me he chose to reside for the benefit of the air. We entered the lower door, which ever seemed to lie most hospitably open; and I began to ascend an old and creaking staircase, when, as he mounted to show me the way, he demanded whether I delighted in prospects; to which answering in the affirmative, "Then," says he, "I shall show you one of the most charming in the world out of my windows; we shall see the ships sailing, and the whole country for twenty miles round, tip-top, quite high. My Lord Swamp would give ten thousand guineas for such a one; but, as I sometimes pleasantly tell him, I always like to keep my prospects at home, that my friends may see me the oftener." By this time we were arrived as high as the stairs would permit us to ascend, till we came to what he was facetiously pleased to call the first floor down the chimney, and knocking at the door, a voice from within demanded, "Who's there ? ” My conductor answered that it was he. But this not satisfying the querist, the voice again repeated the demand; to which he answered louder than before; and now the door was opened by an old woman with cautious reluctance. When we were got in, he welcomed me to his house with great ceremony, and turning to the old woman, asked where was her lady? "Good troth," replied she, in a peculiar dialect, "she's washing your two shirts at the next door, because they have taken an oath against lending out the tub any longer."-"My two shirts!" cries he, in a tone that faltered with confusion, "what does the idiot mean ?”—“ I ken what I mean well enough," replied the other; "she's washing your two shirts next door, because- "_"Fire and fury! no more of thy stupid explanations," cried he. "Go and inform her we have got company. Were that Scotch hag to be for ever in the family, she would never learn politeness, nor forget that absurd poisonous accent of hers, or testify the smallest 211 specimen of breeding or high life; and yet it is very surprising too, as I had her from a parliament-man, a friend of mine, from the Highlands, one of the politest men in the world: but that's a secret." We waited some time for Mrs. Tibbs' arrival, during which interval I had a full opportunity of surveying the chamber and all its furniture; which consisted of four chairs with old wrought bottoms, that he assured me were his wife's embroidery; a square table that had been once japanned, a cradle in one corner, a lumbering cabinet in the other; a broken shepherdess and a mandarin without a head were stuck over the chimney; and round the walls, several paltry unframed pictures, which he observed were all his own drawing. "What do you think, sir, of that head in a corner, done in the manner of Grisoni? there's the true keeping in it; it's my own face, and though there happens to be no likeness, a countess offered me a hundred for its fellow: I refused her, for, hang it, that would be mechanical, you know." 66 The wife at last made her appearance, at once a slattern and a coquette; much emaciated, but still carrying the remains of beauty. She made twenty apologies for being seen in such odious dishabille, but hoped to be excused, as she had stayed out all night at the Gardens with the countess, who was excessively fond of the horns. "And, indeed, my dear," added she, turning to her husband, "his lordship drank your health in a bumper."-" Poor Jack!" cries he, a dear good-natured creature, I know he loves me. But I hope, my dear, you have given orders for dinner; you need make no great preparations neither, there are but three of us-something elegant and little will do; a turbot, an ortolan, or a Or what do you think, my dear," interrupts the wife, "of a nice pretty bit of oxcheek, piping hot, and dressed with a little of my own sauce ?" -"The very thing," replies he, "it will eat best with some smart bottled beer; but be sure to let's have the sauce his grace was so fond of. I hate your immense loads of meat, that is country all over; extreme disgusting to those who are in the least acquainted with high life." By this time my curiosity began to abate, and my appetite to increase; the company of fools may at first make us smile, but at last never fails to render us melancholy. I therefore pretended to recollect a prior engagement, and after having shown my respect to the house, according to the fashion of the English, by giving the old servant a piece of money at the door, I took my leave. Mr. Tibbs assured me that dinner, if I stayed, would be ready at least in less than two hours. |