BEHOLD the woes of matrimonial life,
And hear with reverence an experienc`d wife!
To dear bought wisdom give the credit due,
And think for once a woman tells you true.
In all these trials I have born a part,
I was myself the fcourge that caus'd the fmart;
For, fince fifteen, in triumph have I led
Five captive Hufbands from the church to bed.
Christ faw a wedding once, the fcripture fays,
And faw but one, 'tis thought, in all his days;
Whence fome infer, whose conscience is too nice,
No pious Christian ought to marry twice.
But let them read, and folve me, if they can,
The words addrefs'd to the Samaritan;
Five times in lawful wedlock she was join'd;
And fure the certain ftint was ne'er defin'd.
"Increase and multiply," was Heaven's command, And that's a text I clearly understand.
This too, "Let men their fires and mothers leave,
"and to their dearer wives for ever cleave."
More wives than one by Solomon were try'd,
Or elfe the wifeft of mankind's bely'd
I've had myself many a merry fit:
And truft in heaven I may have many yet.
For when my tranfitory fpoufe, unkind,
Shall die, and leave his woeful wife behind,
I'll take the next good Chriftian I can find.
Paul, knowing one could never ferve our turn,
Declar'd 'twas better for to wed than burn.
There's danger in affembling fire and tow:
I grant them that, and what it means, you know.
The fame Apostle too has elsewhere own'd,
No precept for Virginity he found:
'Tis but a counfel-and we women ftill
Take which we like, the counfel, or our will.
I envy not their blifs, if he or she
Think fit to live in perfect chastity;
Pure let them be, and free from taint or vice;
I, for a few flight spots, am not so nice.
Heaven calls us different ways, on these bestows
One proper gift, another grants to thofe :
Not every man's oblig'd to fell his ftore,
And give up all his fubftance to the poor;
Such as are perfect, may, I can't deny;
But, by your leaves, Divines, fo am not I.
Full many a Saint, fince first the world began,
Liv'd an unfpotted maid in spite of man:
Let fuch (a God's name) with fine wheat be fed,
And let us honeft wives eat barley bread.
For me, I'll keep the poft affign'd by heaven,
And ufe the copious talent it has given;
Let my good fpoufe pay tribute, do me right,
And keep an equal reck'ning every night:
His proper body is net his, but mine;
For fo faid Paul, and Paul's a found divine.
Know then, of those five husbands I have had,
Three were juft tolerable, two were bad.
The three were old, but rich and fond befide,
And toil'd moft piteously to please their bride :
But fince their wealth (the best they had) was mine,
The reft, without much lofs, I could refign.
Sure to be lov d, I took no pains to please,
Yet had more Pleasure far than they had Eafe.
Prefents flow d in apace: with showers of gold,
They made their court, like Jupiter of old.
If I but finil'd, a fudden you:h they found,
And a new palfy feiz'd them when I frown'd.
Ye fovereign wives! give car, and understand,
Thus fhall ye fpeak, and exercise command.
For never was it given to mortal man,
To lye fo boldly as we women can:
Forfwear the fact, tho fen with both his eyes,
And call your maids to witness how he lies.
Hark, old Sir Paul! ('twas thus I us'd to fay)
Whence is our neighbour's wife fo rich and gay?
Treated, carefs'd, where'er she's pleas'd to roam
I fit in tatters, and immurd at home.
Why to her house doft thou so oft repair?
Art thou fo amorous? and is fhe fo fair?
If I but fee a cousin or a friend,
Lord! how you fwell and rage like any fiend!
But you reel home a drunken beastly bear,
Then preach till midnight in your easy chair;
Cry, wives are false, and every woman evil,
And give up all that's female to the devil.
If poor (you fay) she drains her husband's purse;
If rich, fhe keeps her priest, or something worse;
If highly born, intolerably vain,
Vapours and pride by turns poffefs her brain,
Now gayly mad, now fourly splenetic,
Freakish when well, and fretful when she's fick.
If fair, then chaste she cannot long abide,
By preffing youth attack'd on every fide:
If foul, her wealth the lufty lover lures,
Or elfe her wit fome fool-gallant procures,
Or elfe the dances with becoming grace,
Or fhape excufes the defects of face.
There swims no goofe fo grey, but foon or late,
She finds fome honest gander for her mate.
Horfes (thou fay'st) and affes men may try,
And ring fufpected veffels ere they buy:
But wives, a random choice, untry'd they take,
They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake:
Then, nor till then, the veil's remov'd away,
And all the woman glares in open day.
You tell me, to preserve your wife's good grace
Your eyes must always languish on my face,
Your tongue with conftant flatteries feed my ear,
And tag each sentence with, My life! my dear!
If by ftrange chance, a modeft blush he rais'd,
Be fure my fine complexion must be prais'd.
My garments always must be new and gay,
And feasts still kept upon my wedding-day.
Then must my nurse be pleas'd, and fav'rite maid;
And endless treats, and endless visits paid,
To a long train of kindred, friends, allies;
All this thou fay'st and all thou say 'st are lies.
On Jenkin too you cast a squinting eye:
What! can your prentice raise your jealoufy?
Fresh are his ruddy cheeks, his forehead fair,
And like the burnish d gold his curling hair.
But clear thy wrinkled brow, and quit thy forrow,
I'd fcorn your prentice, fhould you die to morrow.
Why are thy chefts all lock d? on-what design?
Are not thy worldly goods and treasure mine?
Sir, I'm no fool; nor fhall you, by St. John,
Have goods and body to yourself alone.
One you shall quit, in spite of both your eyes—
I heed, not I, the bolts, the locks, the spies,
If you had wit, you'd fay, "Go where you will,
"Dear spouse, I credit not the tales they tell:
"Take all the freedoms of a married life:
"I know thee for a virtuous, faithful wife."
Lord! when you have enough, what need you care
How merrily foever others fare?
Tho' all the day I give and take delight,
Doubt not, fufficient will be left at night.
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