so now bestir thyself to get rid thereof and bid an everlasting farewell to them. Commit thyself to God, and let nothing satisfy but the enjoyment of his presence. Use all appointed means to attain this good end. Pray, read, and meditate till thou find him whom thou lovest. But make not thy duties thy saviours, for so they will prove thy destroyers. Do what thou canst, but trust in nothing that thou dost; lay all the stress, both for acceptance and assistance, upon the grace of God in Christ. Though thou deservest to be hated notwithstanding all thy best performances, for thine own sake, yet perhaps he may save thee and delight in thee, for the sake of the Beloved of his own bosom, and satisfy thee with the discovery of his love in due time, and never leave thee comfortless again.

XVIII.

Come once again, my soul, and let me bring thee to the touchstone, lest God hereafter try thee and thou be faulty. Are thy graces become more in number and degree than formerly? Are thy corruptions weaker than before? Is thy heart softer and holier than it was the last year, month, or week? Are thy affections nearer heaven and more delighted in thy God? Is thy judgment sounder, clearer, and more raised than heretofore? Dost thou see a greater vanity in inferior objects and a greater excellency in Christ, grace, and gospel mysteries? Is thy conversation more divine, testifying thy nearer approach to heaven? What sayest thou, are these things thus in thee, and dost thou feel thyself in such a posture? Methinks thou art like poor Israel in the wilderness that was still travelling for forty years, but gained little ground, that went about this and the other hill and came again to the same place; so my soul is trudging on and gets not forward, and for one step forward sometimes goes three back. Methinks my soul is like a lazy scholar that comes awhile to school, and then is taken off, or plays the truant, and loseth all that ever he had learned; so my truant soul begins a little to follow its business, but something takes it off, and then there is a return to its former state of indolence. Sometimes I have taken much pains with this dull and heavy heart of mine to raise it heavenwards, and when I have got it to some degree of heavenly elevation, down it falls again. No sooner do I weed out of the field of my barren heart the tares of sin, than it is quickly overgrown again with sensual cogitations. For shame, my soul, dost thou not see that thy inferiors in years, who set out long after thee, have left thee far behind? Some that had not such means of growth have, by their industry, attained to more soli

dity of comfort, stability in grace, certainty of faith, and fervency of spirit. New converts are fresh and lively, raised more in their affections, more constant in their communion with God, more steady in their holy conversation, and more filled with sweet experience of God's love to their souls. Alas! must thou be still complaining of thy revolting and backsliding heart? Must thou lament thy state and spend thy days in mournful elegies? Shouldst thou not have taken thy flight into the more noble and elevated parts of christianity, and soul-transporting enjoyments of thy God? Shouldst thou not have been delighting thyself in anticipations of eternity, and rising in holy wishes and longings for thy rest? Shouldst thou not by this time have trodden Satan under foot, bid defiance to thy desperate foe, and been rid of thy baneful strong corruptions that haunt thee? But, alas! how unstable art thou thus to retreat, advance, and then retreat again. How mournful is it to spend thy days in lamentable strains, sometimes up and sometimes down, and often at a loss, and far to seek for peace, comfort, and a sense of pardon! How long must it be thus with thee? When will it be that I shall hear thee say, as good old Simeon, "Lord, now let thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word; for mine eyes have seen thy salvation?" When will my soul be settled in a firm posture, my heart as full of spiritual joy as it can hold, and nothing wanting but the breaking down of this wall of flesh, that I may be in my Father's palace rejoicing in him and with him for ever? Ah! must I never see the happy day, when I may bring God more glory, and be more useful in my place and calling? Lord, help me to mend my pace, and run my race with more delight, and press towards the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

XIX.

Ah, little did I think, my soul, thou wouldst have been so long from God and longed so little for communion with him! But now I see something of the boundless depth of my deceit ful heart; who can know it? Full often has God's blessed Spirit spoken loud in thy deaf ears, saying, return, return; but thou hast stopped thy ears and strenuously resisted, quenched, and grieved the Holy Spirit. Sometimes thou hast been willing to listen to the suggestions of God's Spirit but flesh and blood and carnal reasonings have diverted thy intentions. Sometimes thou hast begun with serious sadness to weep and pray, and exercise faith in the Lord, but hast been taken off by violent distractions, and vehement wanderings of thy heart. Come now, my soul, what is it that is wont to keep

thee from this duty? Is it the guilt of many sins that drives thee from the Lord? Hast thou not the greater need on that account to approach unto him, who hath enjoined all weary and heavy laden souls to repose themselves on him? Must not thy sin be laid on Christ or on thyself? and whether dost thou think can better bear it, infinite God-man, or finite wormman? Or doth thy long absence from God affright thee and thy strangeness to him terrify thee? The rather and sooner must thou come on that account. Is there any good to be had in distance from him? and wilt thou be more prepared another time than now? Art thou afraid that God is so displeased with thee that he will not receive thee? Consider, hath not God often said, he will heal backsliders and receive offending prodigals? Venture then, and again put God to it, thou shalt find him faithful to his promises. Was ever any rejected that repented; or canst thou find examples to testify God's unkindness? Nay, nay, my soul, recollect thy own experience, and that may keep thee from discouragement. Repair to God, for that is indispensable, and let not a supposition of thy rejection make thee run into inevitable destruction. Believing is a 'venture, and will not a merchant venture much on a probability? A may-be, is ground enough for faith on scripture precedents. Who knows but God may return and leave a blessing behind?

XX.

God's people are now in public and I am deprived of their society; but it is by reason of my incapacity. My heart is with them and fain would this frail body follow; but at present God hath clipped my wings and manacled my legs, bolted my chamber door, and made that my prison which was wont to be my palace. But God is just and deals most righteously with me. My heart was formerly imprisoned in his service; now my body is imprisoned from his service in public. I looked not to my feet when I trod the way to his house; now he keeps my feet from treading in it. My heart was at home sometimes when my body was exercised in public duties; now my body is at home, and my heart is, I hope, with God and his saints in the courts of his house. I have made the Lord's day too much like a week day in sinning and neglecting God's service; now he makes it like a week day in my being absent from public worship. I have not made sabbath day duties a delight; now God hath made the sabbath day wearisome through pain. My soul hath not returned from its rest in sinning: now God keepeth my body from rest in suffering. My church devotion has been too much confined to form; now my heart devotion is con

fined to my chamber. I appeared in public what I was not in private; now I cannot appear in public any part of what I am. As I have done, so God hath done to me, though not according to my deserts, but in faithfulness hath he afflicted me, and in much tenderness too; for though he hath excluded me from public yet not from private communion. Though the promise of his presence be to two or three met in his name in public, yet he excludes not single persons from the blessing in private. He meets his hidden ones in any corner where they find him. Though he feeds his flock beside the shepherd tents, yet he can carry the lambs in his arms, give them food alone, and make them lie down in a green pasture. His Spirit moves most on the waters of the sanctuary, yet he is not straitened nor is his hand shortened; he is a well of living waters and as streams from Lebanon. God is omnipresent, therefore the true worshippers respect neither mount Zion nor the mountain of Samaria, but worship him in spirit and in truth. He respects places no more than persons, let it be church or chamber. If I may enjoy thee, O Lord, no matter where it is, thy presence makes a palace of a prison, but the want of it makes a paradise, a dungeon, a hell; where the prince's presence is, there is the court. I would rather have communion with thee here, without thy people, than have communion with thy people in thy house, without thee. Far be it from me to reject the public ordinances, or forsake the assembling of the saints, as too many do, I might then be branded with the odious name of a conceited separatist. No, no, I prefer a day in God's courts before a thousand elsewhere; but, now, when debarred from public and confined to my private devotions, I would make the best improvement thereof I can. O that God would lift up the light of his countenance upon me, and shine into my soul with the beams of his light and love! Help me, Lord, to perform those duties alone which I am accustomed to perform in public. Was I God's mouth to his people? Let me speak with his voice and words unto myself in heavenly soliloquies, holy meditations, and serious self-expostulations, examining myself about sincerity, spurring on myself to the practice of duties, reproving myself for any iniquity, and encouraging myself with scripture promises. Was I the people's mouth to God in prayer? Let me pour out my soul in bitter complaints for sin, in serious requests for pardoning, sanctifying, assisting and accepting grace, and for a supply of all wants. As I believe the prayers of my congregation are for me, so let my prayers be knocking at heaven's gate for them, that his servant may be assisted in speaking, the people edified in hearing, and that it may be a good day to them.

Did I stir up others to the duty of praise? Let me make melody in my heart to the Lord and rejoice in him. Surely it will be no small mercy, if by, and in, and after this affliction my God prepare me faithful and fruitful improvement of such days as these, and my heart be better qualified to sanctify God's name in holy duties, when I shall again be brought to worship him in the beauty of holiness and speak to his praise in the great congregation; or else bring me to sing praises to his name in heaven, and spend an everlasting sabbath with saints and angels.

XXI.

The time of affliction, O my soul, is a special season for self-examination. We must search and try our ways when God examines us by scourging. Enter therefore into thyself, try thy state, and enquire the cause of God's contending with thee. O Lord, what was it made thee touch so sharply this flesh of mine? Didst thou make my head to ache because my head did first devise to sin, and then contrive excuses for it? Were my senses the inlets of sorrow because they were first the windows of sin? Was every member of my body a patient in suffering, because every one was an agent in sinning? Didst thou strike my flesh with trembling because I trembled not at thy word, nor stood in awe of thy majesty? Didst thou bring sometimes an ague because I was cold in devotion, and sometimes a fever because I was zealous in transgression, and sometimes both because I was lukewarm in my profession? Didst thou strike my bones and joints with torturing pains from head to foot, because they have been instruments of unrighteousness, so nimble for iniquity, and so inflexible to goodness? Didst thou make my heart sick and faint? Was it not for the many fleshly lusts that have been hatched there? Was not my stomach weak because I had no appetite for gospel food, but did nauseate the saving dictates of thy truth? Was my brain oppressed with cloudy fears, or grown light for want of sleep? It was because my soul was too much burdened with the world, set on vanities, and not employed about eternity. Was my whole body made a cage of foul diseases? Surely the cause is clear, my soul was too fruitful a mother and nurse of the plague of the heart. Since then, my soul, the cause of this sickness is so evident that he that runs may read, freely accept of this punishment of thy sin, lay thy hand upon thy mouth, strike upon thy breast and say, what have I done? Thy conscience will quickly answer, thou hast done that which might have undone thee for ever. Never complain of thy punishment, since

thou art alive and out of hell.