XXII.

Reflect upon thyself, O my soul, and view thy behaviour under God's afflicting hand. It was difficult to see a father's love in all the displeasure manifested, to discover a smiling face through all these frowns; yet, through grace, I had a glimpse by the eye of faith, beyond nature and reason, so that he helped me to bear my burden in some measure with patience and submission. Various thoughts assaulted my troubled breast; sometimes I took my farewell of the earth and welcomed immortality with a hopeful embrace. Amidst these thoughts I was involved in the apostle's dilemma, not knowing which to choose, life or death. Sometimes I thought it was my dwn unprofitableness that deprived me of a capacity for doing God's service in gathering in his people, and that my sin would make my sun to set in the morning of my days and infancy of my ministry. Therefore I begged of God a few more days to spend them better; but then immediately I thought this was flesh. Hath not God a sufficient number to do his work far better than I can? Is it not best to be in my Father's house? Who would plead himself out of home and rest? Then I looked through another glass and earnestly desired a change, and wished for death, like a kind porter, to let me into my Father's palace; for what is here, thought I, but an evil world without and a wicked heart within! And what is there in heaven but holiness and happiness, enough to keep the souls of the blessed in an ecstacy to all eternity? Thus was the desire of life swallowed up in the joys of which death would give me possession. Yet I could not rest here, I was afraid lest that desire was too mean and slavish, making the ground of my wish to be freedom from my trials. In this perplexing state, because I felt how unfit I was to dispose of myself, I put myself into the hands of my gracious God desirous of submitting to his will. One night after tedious tossings from pain until three o'clock, I was assualted with a violent temptation of Satan, persuading me that these pains were the foretastes infernal torments, in which they would shortly end. I answered him with such passages as God furnished me out of his word, and sometimes I prayed God to aid me in resisting the devil, or to turn aside the fiery darts: this he abundantly answered. Blessed be God.

XXIII.

Time was, O my soul, when thou didst fear, with Abraham, the heavy doom of being written childless; but now, through grace, the scene is altered and thou mayest say with Jacob, here be the children God hath graciously given thee. I may

say so of the fruit of my body, but more so of the travail of my soul; the first is a precious mercy, but the latter is of more value. The conversion of one sinner saves a soul from death, covers a multitude of sins, and restores fallen man to circumstances superior to the state of Adam. This, this, brings glory to God, joy to the angels, benefit to the saints, and enlargement to the church; it is the fruit of the Saviour's travail with which he is satisfied. The glory of a prince is the multitude of his subjects, and thus Christ is glorified when sinners are converted. It is a glorious work in the hand of the worthiest instrument, but the wonder increases if the means be considered. Hadst thou been some profound scholar, or learned interpreter, one of a thousand, some acute Apollos, an eloqent man, mighty in the scriptures, it would have appeared more probable by a proportion of the means to the end. Or hadst thou been some thundering Boanerges, some zealous awakening Paul, less of God and more of man would have appeared in the work. But the Lord did single thee out to be an example of his wonderful and glorious work; he chooseth weak things, yea, and things that are not, to bring to nought things that are, that no flesh should glory in his presence; and therefore often doth great things by very unlikely means. The work indeed would become angelic spirits, what then is a babe, a worm, an earthen vessel? thou art not worthy to be reckoned one of the honourable regiment of the clergy, being inferior to most in abilities, yet few have had thy success. How many dost thou hear make sad complaints how little good they do! Many famous, skilful, and laborious servants of God, whose books thou art not worthy to carry after them, have spent much precious time and poured out many prayers and tears on behalf of men's souls, but have won very few if any to Christ. What troubled spirits have many revered ministers carried with grey hairs to the grave! Surely the race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong; no, no, free grace makes choice of the word and person to work by, and lays aside others that we conceive more adapted. The reason why the Lord should work by one and not by another, is the same as why he loveth one person and not another: "Even so, Father, for so it seemeth good in thy sight." It was not because thou wast inclined to, and designed for, this work from a child, nor because thy aim was upright in making choice of this high function; nor because when in sickness thou didst solemnly vow to God, that if he would restore thee thou wouldst serve him at the altar all the days of thy life; nor was it because thy dear relations did wrestle hard with God for thee and thy people, that the Lord would crown thy

endeavours with abundant fruitfulness: though I do believe this great mercy is a wonderful return of prayer, yet none of these nor all of them together could have effected such a design, nor moved the Lord to work, had not free grace prepared our hearts to seek and bowed his ear to hear. Thus the Alpha and Omega were from him, who is the author and finisher of faith, and we may cry, grace, grace, to the fountain of all grace. My soul, make thy boast in the Lord, that the humble may hear thereof and be glad; from him cometh all my salvation. Do thou, my soul, cast down thy crown before the throne and give glory and honour to him that sitteth thereon, for he is worthy to receive glory and praise for ever. All I fear is, lest I should not be thankful for, sensible of, and faithful under this invaluable mercy; lest I should not improve it; or lest I should arrogate too much to myself. O my soul, beware of the ticklings of pride and self-conceit! Thou hast had woful experience of a deceitful heart in a like case. When the Lord helps thee with life and power in any exercise thou art nearest to a snare and fall; the devil and thy depraved heart are very busy, and when he cannot overturn by one extreme he drives into another. O, beware of these things, and remember, thou hast nothing which thou hast not received. Beware of thoughts aspiring above my reverend brethren, and think not better of thyself than those to whom God gives little success. They may be more gracious, laborious, and higher in God's favour, and may be very useful in training up converted souls, satisfying the scrupulous, and comforting the dejected. God gives diversity of gifts and different success to those gifts: he is wise, gracious, and faithful in his dispensations; admire God in all and despise none. Wait, my soul, on the Lord, plead with holy jealousy that poor converts may not look back, and that thou, after having wrought on others, mayset not be a cast away.

XXIV.

Hardly, O my soul, canst thou bear the sunshine of a gratifying mercy without dark obscuring clouds of trouble and affliction. The Lord thy God hath often honoured thee before all the people, and now he hath left thee to endure some disgrace before them. He lately withdrew himself from thee on his own day, less sensibly, but very discernible to thyself and some judicious Christians. Thou didst not make that use thereof which God required, and therefore yesterday he left thee to struggle in thy own strength, to do just nothing. Surely it is a thing much to be observed, and thy frame of spirit much to be lamented. O humble thyself before the Lord,

and see what thou canst make of this dispensation! Were it tending only to thy personal shame and open discredit, it were less matter, though a due estimation of thy person may make way for the reception of thy message; but the leprosy of thy personal failings may spread itself exceedingly far and bring forth bitter fruit. I could willingly be taken out of the way, be banished into some howling wilderness, rot in the grave, or beg my bread, rather than injure God's cause, or open wicked men's mouths. From whence came it to pass that I lost myself? 'Tis true, the slackness of the people's coming in, occasioned me to change my purpose. Possibly there might have been some sin in my people to provoke the Lord thus to deal with his poor creature: they expected too much from the instrument, and eyed God too little; they have been unthankful for, and unfruitful under my enlargement; or were unprepared by coming immediately from civil employments to divine ordinances. These and such like things some of them have bewailed; but, O my soul, the cause is in thee more than in any one else; I am the Jonah that troubled the ship. What is it that God corrects in thee? Lay thy hand upon thy heart and search out the cause. How often hast thou enjoyed the wonderful presence of God; but how little hast thou prized it! How often hast thou pleased thyself with applauding thoughts, as having done well and deserved praise! Has it not pleased thee more to have thy talents commended than the truth of God received? O base prostitution of divine favours, to gratify the vain expectations of ambition! How much hast thou been at thy book and how little on thy knees! Luther says: "Prayer, meditation, and temptation make a preacher." How little hast thou been acting faith on Jesus Christ for assistance, using means as if there were no God to help! Thou hast acted as if the studying of precious truths, and the bare committing of them to memory were enough to render thee fit for public services; whereas, that seldom reaches the heart which does not come from it, and has not been wrought into it. How seldom after preaching dost thou get alone, water the seed of the word with tears, and pursue the Lord with importunity for success! O my God, all these are but too true, and thou art very just! I may rather wonder that I have been so often helped, than repine that I have now been left. I have a thousand times less frequently than I deserve! The glory of God is dear to him and he will not give his glory to another. If too much be attributed to the instrument, no wonder that he stain the glory of man and lay his honour in the dust, that God may be all in all.

XXV.

Prepare thyself, my soul, for the enjoyment of the important ordinance of the Lord's supper which thou hopest to enjoy the following day. Trim up thy lamp and go to God for new supplies of grace. Look to thy habitual and actual preparation. Get anointed from above with fresh and refreshing oil. Go and buy, or rather beg additional divine influences. Old grace will not serve thee for new duties. Whet the sword anew to slay thy lusts; furbish thy shield of faith to repel Satan's fiery darts; sharpen the anchor of hope to cast behind the veil; kindle the fire of love that it may grow more fervent, and glow in flames of ardent affection to God and all the saints. Read the story of thy dear Redeemer's life and death, that thou mayest be furnished with abundant matter for remembrance of his death and passion. Look at the wormwood and the gall to cause thy heart to bleed in genuine repentance for thy disobedience. Examine thyself thoroughly and impartially, and trifle not with God in a matter of such importance. Search thy heart and life, review thy sins and graces, look to thy principles, and motives in these approaches to God. Thou art to renew thy covenant with the Lord; be not found a covenant breaker. Thou art to draw nigh to God in a special manner, wash thy hands in innocency before God's altar be approached by thee. Above all, awake my faith towards a crucified Saviour. Consider, O my soul, who he is that suffered, and for whom he endured so many evils: it was the innocent for the guilty; the just for the unjust; the Mighty God for weak man. He became sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him; the Son of God assumed the nature of man to pay the price of our redemption, and be a propitiation for our sins. O my soul, bring all thy sins and lay them on this scape-goat; bring all thy wounds to this physician; bring all thy doubts to this counsellor. Come, and derive sap from this blessed vine, light from this glorious sun, and protection from this rock. What dost thou want or desire, that is not to be had in abundance here? The streams are sweet, but what is the spring? The means are good, but what is the end? In this and all ordinances strive to get near Christ and have communion with him.

XXVI.

Surely the benefit of an ordinance is not ended when the outward dispensation is concluded; for sometimes the recollection is more profitable than the administration. Consider, O my soul, how thy heart was affected in reading the blessed institution! A sweet overpowering virtue descended from above: