My flesh longs in a dry parch'd land, I found much peace and sweetness upon my mind all the morning, and got access to God in prayer; towards evening I fell into a dead frame. Lord, quicken me by thy Spirit. Wednesday, July 24.—This morning, after spending two hours in reading and prayer, I took up E. Cole on Election; and, on reading the marks of the elect, the Lord was pleased to witness to my heart his electing love to me. I was overwhelmed with joy, and fell down upon my face before him, crying out with many tears, "What shall I render unto thee, O my God? How shall I glorify thee? Why me, why me, O my God ?" All day I have felt such peace, love, and sweetness in my soul, as cannot be described. Towards night this frame abated; but I did not let go my confidence. I was tempted; but the Lord kept me. I felt, however, the evil of not continuing more watchful unto prayer. Sunday, July 28.—The Lord is still pleased to give me some measure of faith, and peace of conscience, through a sense of his everlasting love in Christ; although at times I am sorely tempted to unbelief, and to many other sins. My corruptions are as strong as ever. I groan daily, being burdened with an evil heart; and yet I also rejoice in the Lord as my righteousness and strength, and in the hope set before me in the gospel. This day I have had some access to God The sermon was sweet to my soul, and I was enabled to meditate upon it, and pray it over. O to be devoted, soul, body, and spirit, to that God in prayer. who has redeemed and bought me with his precious blood! now. Saturday, August 3.-Yesterday, the Lord gave me some comfort in prayer, and employed me through the day in his service, which I found very sweet. But to-day I have again had a sore struggle with my heart. In all things I feel myself to be a miserable helpless sinner. In my flesh dwelleth no good thing; my heart is desperately wicked. I sin while praying, reading, hearing, speaking, and singing, in every action of my life, and if God should enter into judgment with me for my best performances, I should inevitably perish; for I have sinned against light and abundant mercy : it is amazing that I have not been cut off long ere But this is the cause-Jesus came to seek and to save that which is lost. I am indeed lost and undone in myself; but, O Lord, I would come to thee this night, as a poor, blind, ignorant, helpless, wretched creature, and cast myself upon thy mercy, pleading thy promise, that those who come unto thee, thou wilt in nowise cast out. I come to thee to receive out of thy fulness the supply of all my wants. living operative faith in thy blood and righteousness, and all its fruits; deliver me from an unbelieving heart, and save me from my cruel foes, the devil, the world, and the flesh. Grant me, O God, a new heart, a contrite spirit, a devout mind, a conscience sprinkled with the blood of Jesus. I entreat thee to lift up upon me the light of thy reconciled countenance, and when I approach thy table to-morrow, seal me to the day of redemption. Grant me some foretaste of that union and love to Jesus, which I hope to enjoy with him to all eternity. Amen! and Amen! Grant me a Sunday, August 4.—This morning I offered up my first thoughts to the Lord, and begged his presence in the duties of the day. When I was dressed, I prostrated myself before him, and renewed my covenant with him, confessing my sins, and solemnly declaring, in the presence of heaven and earth, that I took Jesus to be my Lord and Saviour, my Prophet, Priest, and King. I accepted of him as he is offered in the gospel, as my wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. I renounced all other lords, and committed my soul to him, for time and eternity. During all this transaction, my soul was remarkably dead, and continued so till I came to sit down at the Lord's table: at that time the 24th Psalm was sung, and I felt my heart as it were open to receive the King of Glory; it seemed to go forth to meet him; and I received the symbols of his blessed body as broken for me, and his precious blood as shed for the remission of my sins. I was enabled to act faith sincerely, although weakly, on him as my righteousness; and during the sermon afterwards, my heart melted and refreshed. I saw many was snares and dangers on every side, and a great warfare before me; but I felt strong in the Lord, and, in the power of his might, able to encounter all my foes. In the evening I was tempted to doubt of my state, on account of the deadness of my heart; but the Lord once more comforted me, by showing me some evidences of my interest in Christ, under the discourse in the family, by which I was much comforted. [Aged 30.]—September 2.-This being the day in which the Lord was graciously pleased to bring me into the world, I desire, with all the powers of my soul, to bless his holy name for my being, preservation, and all the numberless mercies bestowed upon me. How wonderful has his long-suffering patience been towards me! Notwithstanding my repeated provocations and backslidings, sins against light, careless performance of duties, an ungrateful, dead, cold heart, he yet spares me. Alas! Lord, wert thou to enter into judgment with me this day, I should undoubtedly perish! But blessed be thy name, thou hast no pleasure in the death of sinners, but in order to deliver them from going down to the pit, thou hast provided a ransom, even Jesus thy well beloved Son, who has finished salvation for miserable transgressors; and this salvation thou hast called me to partake of, and now I do most solemnly accept of thy grace freely offered in the gospel. I desire to receive Jesus as my Prophet, Priest, and King. I look for salvation only through his blood and righteousness. This is the foundation of my hope; I desire no other; neither seek I any other portion than thy love in Christ. As thou hast created me for thy glory, magnify, I beseech thee, the riches of thy grace in saving me from the guilt, power, and dominion of sin, that I may praise thy name with a pure heart and holy lips in the land of the living! Sanctify my soul by thy Spirit, and renew my will and affections, that I may hate sin, and flee from every appearance of evil, and may love whatsoever thou lovest. Thus being conformed to thy image, in thought, word, and deed, as far as this imperfect state will admit of, I may live to thy glory while I continue in this world; and in order that I may be carried cheerfully through the troubles and trials that every-where surround me, O grant me the full assurance of faith, even the testimony of thy Spirit in my heart, witnessing my adoption, and giving me an earnest of that inheritance of love, peace, and joy, which I look for in the world to come; so shall I experience that promise, "In me ye shall have peace." Thou hast caused me to hope that thou wilt perfect that which concerneth me. O fulfil now that good word unto thy servant; complete thy work, O Lord; work faith with power in my heart, that I may rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory! O come, blessed Jesus, and abide in my heart! cast out thine enemies, subdue all that rise up against thee, and reign thou in me, and over me, from this time forth, for ever more. Amen! So come, Lord Jesus, come quickly. Upon a review of my experience this last year, I perceive that the Lord is gradually carrying on his work upon my soul. For eight months past I have had a sore fight of temptations and afflictions; oft in the depths, and my confidence almost shaken; but blessed be God, I have not been left to despair, nor to doubt of the willingness and ability of Jesus to save me. At my lowest moments I could say, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him." If I perish it shall be at his feet. Since I came to this place I have frequently tasted of the loving-kindness of the Lord, and have been more established in the doctrines of the gospel. I have also been more humbled before him for many things in my life, the evil of which I did not see before, and particularly for spiritual pride. I have been grievously assaulted by one temptation in particular, which often brings great darkness on my mind, because it is of such a nature as appears to me inconsistent with grace, and whenever it assaults me, I begin to doubt whether I am a child of God. I believe this has been a device of Satan to rob me of peace, and to mar my usefulness. I begin now to know more of the nature of his devices: whenever I get any peace or comfort in my soul, he either suggests that it is all a delusion, or strives to draw me into a careless walk |
